I Drove Home

When Sean and I first separated I was driving home from the gym one night and zoning out on my 15 minute drive home.
You know how sometimes you get in your car and you know where you're going, but it's so routine that you don't really have to pay very much attention?
You've done it a million times and it's just second nature.
Left blinker, turn left, get in the right lane, through the stop sign, right turn, left turn, then take the curve until you pull into your driveway. 
It's easy. I could drive it with my eyes closed.
As I was leaving the gym that night I was thinking about all the things in my life that hadn't quite gone as planned...
How were my kids going to adjust to the divorce?
Was I REALLY strong enough to go through with it?
How am I going to do this?
I have to start all over. This is hard.
Not impossible, hard.
And just as I'm talking myself through one of the many conversations I've had with myself throughout this whole process, I find myself parked in the driveway.

Of Sean's house.

It took me a second to realize what I'd done.
I didn't live there anymore.
It wasn't MY HOUSE anymore.
My things weren't there. 
My clothes weren't in that closet.
My makeup wasn't in the drawer of that bathroom.
My shampoo wasn't in that shower.

The house that I'd come home to for 7 years was tainted and empty.

I freaked out and tears began to fall from my eyes as I backed out of the driveway.
How was I going to explain that to Sean if he saw my headlights and came outside?
I reversed and drove home as fast as I could, crying the whole way.

I'm not going to say that this has been an easy process, it HASN'T.
It's been painful and sad and unfair and disappointing.
But it's also been refreshing and enlightening and renewing.
It's opened up a new door to a new life and a new me.
It's taught me things I didn't know I wanted. It's taught me what I don't, and it's taught me how to be strong. For myself and for my boys.

Going through a divorce I think is much like a weight loss journey.
You have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes one minute at a time.
And sometimes you might find yourself in the wrong place, but you've just got to turn around, and head back in the right direction.


Club ML Launch!!!

Club ML

Have you ever wanted to know my secret? How I got in the best shape of my life after having two kids?

Well, truth be told, there is no secret.
I worked hard for it and continue to do so day in and day out.
People have asked me repeatedly what I do, what my workouts consist of, what I eat, etc.
Up until now it's been something I haven't shared, but after careful consideration and taking the proper precautions, I have decided to share my exact plan with you.

I designed Club ML to share my personal workouts with you to help you reach your fitness goals while finding new and fun workouts to take you to the next level.
I will say that I am NOT a personal trainer, these are just the workouts I personally do on a regular basis that work FOR ME.

At Club ML you get access to a CLOSED Facebook group where all of my workouts are posted and updated weekly so you always have a new workout to do, designed by my trainer and coach.
Along with these challenging workouts that will get you results and kick your body into a fat burning mode, you will also receive my nutrition guidelines that I personally follow that have kept my weight off.

Club ML is for those who are wanting to advance their workouts, or just get access to a new method that's proven to work.
The workouts come directly from my trainer. It is my own personal program, now available to you.

Club ML is a monthly fee of $7.99

1. Can these workouts be modified?
ABSOLUTELY! Please modify them to your ability!

2. Will I receive online support?
Yes. The closed Facebook group will allow you online support with the other members.

3. What's the cancelation policy?
You can cancel anytime, no questions asked.
To cancel your subscription to Club ML click here.

4. Will you get results?
Like with any workout regimen and nutrition plan, if you stick to it, you WILL get results.

5. Will my nutrition work for you?
These nutrition guidelines are a baseline of what I use to keep my weight in check, maintain a fairly lean body fat percentage, and still allow myself to have a few treats here and there.
Again, if you follow it, it WILL work.

6. How often will I get new workouts?
New workouts for the week will be posted on Sundays.
I workout 5-6 days a week, so 5-6 workouts will be posted on Sunday for the coming week.
Feel free to do them all, or just a few of them, it's up to you!

7. Do I need a gym membership to complete these workouts?
Almost all of the exercises can be done with a set of dumbbells and a basic weight set. You can also modify them or interchange exercises so they CAN be done at home.
Having a gym membership is ideal, but the workouts can definitely be implemented without one.

8. Do I have to have a Facebook page to get access to this program? 
Yes. You can set up a Facebook page specifically for use of this program and no one will be able to see your involvement in the group.

To get started now, click the Subscribe button below and follow the simple instructions!

In consideration of being allowed to participate in the activities and programs offered by Brandi Laughlin, henceforth referred to as Mama Laughlin, and to use her programs and training, in addition to the payment of any fee or charge, I do hereby waive, release and forever discharge and hold harmless Mama Laughlin from any and all responsibility, liability, cost and expenses, including injuries or damages, resulting from my participation in any activities, or my use of any programs designed by Mama Laughlin. I do also hereby release Mama Laughlin from any responsibility or liability for any injury or damage to myself, or in any way arising out of or connected with my participation in any activities with Mama Laughlin.
I understand and am aware that strength, flexibility, and aerobic exercise, including the use of equipment are a potentially hazardous activity. I also understand that fitness activities involve a risk of injury and even death, and that I am voluntarily participating in these activities and using equipment and machinery with knowledge of the dangers involved. I hereby agree to expressly assume and accept any and all risks of injury or death related to said fitness activities.
I do hereby further declare myself to be physically sound and suffering from no condition, impairment, disease, infirmity or other illness that would prevent my participation or use of equipment or machinery except as hereinafter stated. I do hereby acknowledge that Mama Laughlin has recommended to me that I obtain a physician’s approval for my participation in an exercise/fitness activity or in the use of exercise equipment and machinery. I also acknowledge that Mama Laughlin has recommended that I have a yearly or more frequent physical examination and consultation with my physician as to physical activity, exercise and use of exercise and training equipment so that I might have his/her recommendations concerning these fitness activities and equipment use. I acknowledge that I have either had a physical examination and been given my physician’s permission to participate, or that I have decided to participate in activity and use of equipment, machinery, and programs designed by Mama Laughlin without the approval of my physician and do hereby assume all responsibility for my participation and activities, and utilization of equipment and machinery in my activities. In addition, I hereby represent and warrant that I am currently covered by an accident and health insurance policy.
By clicking the Subscribe button I hereby acknowledge I have read the Agreement and Release of Liability and understand all of its terms with full knowledge of its significance.

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Bottom of the Barrel

I was talking with a friend the other day about the fitness industry and what a total mind-F it is.

You know, in everyday settings, I feel pretty good. I feel like I look great in my clothes and I feel confident. 
But in the "fitness industry", I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel.
And truth be told, I AM. 
And there is NOTHING wrong with that. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone starts somewhere. Every pro was once a rookie.

It's just a weird place to be. Mentally. 
I feel GREAT compared to what I used to feel like when I was bigger. I am confident and comfortable in my clothes, and out of them (mostly).
And then I get around these top tier athletes or women who have been lifting for years and I feel inferior and sub-par.
And I struggle with finding a happy medium there.
With still accepting how far I've come, not discrediting the hard work I've put in, but still striving to better myself without getting down on how much further it seems I still have to go.

It truly IS a competition with yourself. That's what I constantly tell myself. 
I am only trying to be better than I was yesterday. 
You can not compare yourself to anyone else, it will just bring you down. 
And I KNOW ALL THIS. I've said it a million times.
But implementing it is a different story.

It's like knowing how to lose weight vs. actually DOING IT.
It's always easier said than done.

One thing I'm working on currently is trying to put on some quality, lean muscle before my next show in July. I'm talking 2-3 lbs. of solid muscle, which for me, will make a big difference.
To do so, my trainer wants me at about 135 lbs. and UNDER 18% body fat.
I'm currently at 129 lbs. and 18% body fat. (I lost 4 lbs. on the Herbal Cleanse).
So to GAIN some weight and drop my body fat is totally messing with my head.
I KNOW the benefits. I REALIZE what the goals are. But actually implementing the systems to do that is the hard part.

I know that a few years from now I'll have this all down (or better than I do now) and know the ups and downs of competing and offseason and what my body responds best to.
Until then, it's a learning process.

I find myself looking forward to cutting again (which will start in April) because I know how to do that. I know how to drop my body fat and get lean. And having been through it now, I know I can do it even better next time.
"Bulking", and I say that very lightly because I do not follow a bodybuilders "bulking" mindset, is fairly new to me. 
Eating the amount of food I need to be eating to gain weight and lose body fat is hard!

What a problem to have, huh? "I need to eat more so I can lose body fat.."
I know, I know.

This world can mentally jack with you. I knew that going in, but didn't know the extent of it. 
I do believe you can mostly avoid it if you realize and truly believe that you are competing with yourself and that's the ONLY thing that matters. 

Happy Lifting! (and eating ;P)

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