My Soul is Bared

I can't believe I'm about to post this.
I have gone over this post in my head a hundred times since I started on my weight loss journey.
And after reading other people's stories and seeing how they just "put it all out there," somehow makes me want to do the same...
I hope I won't regret this...

Okay, so I'm going to let you in on a little secret... my weight.
Before I got pregnant I was sitting at a hefty 186 lbs. I am not happy about that number at all and am pretty disappointed I let myself get like that. But as the saying goes you can be fat and happy. Well, yes, I had recently gotten married to the love of my life and was so happy in my marriage and where my life was at the time. Now was I happy in my own skin? Absolutely not. Did I try and lose weight before? Sure, a thousand times. I went to the gym like crazy, but somehow my love affair with food always took over. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a binger or anything.. I just didn't care at all about calorie counting, fat content, carb intake, nothing. Anything my husband ate, so did I. And some women can do that and not gain weight... they are freaks of nature, but they exist. That's not me. I have always had to work hard for the scale to move in my favor. And I suspect I always will.
It will just make my weight loss success that much sweeter, I believe.
So I joined Weight Watchers in October of '08. I lost 15 lbs and got down to 170 lbs.
I then quit going because Sean and I had decided we were going to really try and get pregnant. I mean, counting-ovulation-days trying. THAT kind of trying.
Before I knew it it was Christmas time and I was back up in the 180's and had just found out I was pregnant.
Great. Of course I was ecstatic, but I was also worried about my weight.
All I kept saying was "I better not top 200 lbs or I'm gonna lose it!"
Well it happened, and I did.
At 6 months pregnant I was at 200 lbs. I still had 3 months to go. I just about lost it in the doctor's office after weighing that day. The nurse calmed me down and told me I was doing fine and that all that mattered was that the baby was healthy.
She was right. My weight issues immediately took a backseat to my son and the fact that he was healthy. I knew I could lose the weight after he was born.
At almost 10 months pregnant I tipped the scales at 217 lbs. That stings to even type, much less tell the world.
Two weeks after I had T, I stepped on a scale for the first time.
198. Holy crap. I was glad I was under 200 lbs. But 198... are you kidding me?
Sick out! I figured the weight would just keep melting off and I'd be at my pre-pregnancy weight of 180-something within in a couple weeks and I could just keep losing weight from there.
Two weeks later I stepped on the scale again. 198. It was stuck there. 19 lbs was apparently all I was going to lose by having T. I figured out then that I was really going to have to work at this to see a change in the scale.
I started kicking my Weight Watchers into high gear again when T turned 6 weeks old. So far I have lost 15 lbs. in 6 weeks. Yes, your math serves you right, that makes me 183 lbs today.
Gross.
But I can't tell you how excited I will be when I am in the 170's! And then the 160's, 150's, and so on.
I am still not even close to being finished losing weight, but somehow telling the world my numbers holds me that much more accountable.
Two weeks after having T, I headed to Old Navy to see if I could buy some fat girl jeans that I could wear because none of my others fit me.
Before I had T, I was a size 12/14.
So I thought, surely, I only went up one size. So I grabbed a 14. Sick.
I couldn't get those suckers up, much less zipped.
So I grabbed a 16... same story, different size.
That's where I stopped.
I refused to get an 18 or heaven forbid a 20! I was just grossed out to the max and so depressed that I left there with nothing but a broken soul. Had I kept going, I'm sure I would have been a 20, as the 16's barely even fit over my hips.
I did find one pair of my stretchy pre-pregnancy jeans that fit and boy, up until yesterday I wore those suckers out. They are huge on me now and fall off every time I get up. I looked sloppy in them and they had to go.
So yesterday I swallowed my pride and headed to New York & Company to buy some new jeans. I knew it wasn't going to be a size I wanted to see, but I was sick of looking and feeling frumpy. I have lost 15 lbs and I wanted some pants that fit.
I started with a 16. Still gross.
They fit great. Zip up and fit me well. It is by far the biggest pair of jeans I've ever bought and ever PLAN to buy. But until I can lose more weight, I'll just have to suck it up and wear them.
And tell me how the eff it works out that I was 186 BEFORE I got pregnant and was in a size 12/14, and am 183 now and am in a size 16!?!?! Things have just ... shifted.
And NOT in a good way.
Pregnancy jacks up your body dude.

I am 5'6 and weigh 183 lbs today with a BMI of 29.5.
My goal weight is 135 lbs which would bring my BMI to 21.8.
Weight Watchers says my healthy weight range is anywhere between 124-155 lbs.
I want to fit into a size 8, but a 6 would be better. Heck, I'd love to wear a 4... but it just really depends on how I look once I get there.
I still have 48 lbs. to go and am more determined than I have EVER been to lose this weight.
I'm betting these 16's won't fit me for another 2 months, and then it'll be time for a new size. And it will just get better from here...

So there you have it... my soul is bared.