Fake it 'till you make it & Happy New Year and junk

It's New Years Eve and the hubs and I don't have a whole lot planned.
We've got a sick baby so it looks like we'll be boozing it up at home this year.
Hey, that's part of being parents.
To make our stay at home a little more interesting I have purchased Just Dance, the Wii dance game, and I'm hoping to get the hubs drunk enough to participate.
If not, it looks like I'll be shakin my ass alone.
Ain't no shame in my game.

And since I haven't posted a full body shot in a while, here you go:

Around 165 lbs- or hell, I don't know, I haven't weighed myself, I've been a little preoccupied.
But that's what I like to call "fakin' it 'till you make it".
Because quite honestly, I don't think I look like I weigh 165 lbs there. But that's the trickery of it, hence the "fakin' it".
And those jeans?
They are my filler jeans. NOT maternity. HALLELUJIA and all that jazz. (I always eff up spelling Hallelujiuauaua - see, I never know when to end it).
I digress.

Point is, I'm making progress. No more maternity jeans, and that makes this mama one happy lady.

Happy New Year Bitches!

Christmas Goodies

I thought I'd post about something less 'Debbie Downer' today.
I always like seeing what other people got for Christmas, so I figured I'd share my goodies with you all.


Ahhh, my new UnderArmour shoes- IN LOVE.
A new purse! Thank you Jeebus!
That little black beaut is my new Kindle Fire! LOVE LOVE LOVE it! Gift from the hubs!
He gave it to me a few days early because he was so excited about it. When I asked him why he wanted to give it to me early he said "because you are such a good wife and mommy and I know you've been working your ass off lately."
He can be sweet when he wants to be. :)
Also from the hubs:

My new "Masen" charm for my necklace! Now, I'm complete!

And a close up of the other stuff:
'
My favorite scent EVER- Warm Vanilla Sugar. Mmmm, it smells like I just got done baking cookies!
New perfume- Ed Hardy Born Wild- yum!
New earrings, lotion, a pocket mirror and gift cards!

And CARDIGANS, CARDIGANS, CARDIGANS!
I can't have enough of them!


And with Christmas money, I have ordered this guy:

Oh man, it will make going out with the boys SO MUCH EASIER!

What goodies did you get for Christmas?

The Scariest Day of My Life; Christmas 2011

Thank you all so much for the prayers.
We are now back home and out of the hospital.
MJ gave us quite the scare on Christmas Day.
Before I can get into the story, let's rewind to 2 weeks ago:

A note was sent home with all of Big T's class saying that there was 7 kids in his school with RSV and 4 with strep throat.
He had had a lingering cough for about a week at that point, but had no other symptoms. I decided to take him to the doctor just in case.
Basically, he looked great. The doctor said even if he did have RSV there was nothing she could do about it. It is a viral infection and can't be cured with antibiotics, it just has to run it's course.
In older kids and adults RSV acts like the common cold. So he could or could not have had it, but I was told to keep him away from MJ because it could really be serious if MJ got it.
Easier said than done, of course.
But we did our best to keep them apart.
Since babies airways are smaller than the size of their pinky, you could imagine how such congestion could be so serious.
Of course, the hubs and I could have most definitely gotten it from Big T and given it to MJ, there is just no telling. So I don't want to blame it on Big T, or the daycare or anything. Stuff just happens, no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

So fastforward to a week ago:
Big T's cough is better, yet still not gone completely, and now MJ is throwing up after every feeding.
I chock it up to him being a little congested. I just figured he'd gotten a little congestion from Big T (remember, at that point I didn't know Tucker had RSV, I still don't know he did, and since we'd been to the doctor and he checked out OK, it wasn't a thought in my mind).
So I bought a humidifier for MJ's room, sat with him in a steamy bathroom and tried to keep him as comfortable as possible. But he was still throwing up after every feeding.
I also thought it might be him just adjusting to being on 100% formula and no breastmilk, and that he might possibly have reflux.
I'm no doctor, those were just the thoughts going through my head.
He seemed okay, though, other than the throwing up, he wasn't running a fever and was acting just fine. So we just kept an eye on it.
On Christmas Eve we went to my parents house and the last bottle he threw up was at 6pm that night.
Every feeding after that he kept down, but he wasn't acting as interested in eating. He'd only eat about 1.5-2 oz. per feeding, when he normally eats about 3-4 oz.
I was just happy he was eating again and not throwing up.
So we came home Christmas Eve and I put him to bed in his crib.
He woke up a few times in the middle of the night, but he was keeping his food down and still had no temperature.
I could also hear no more congestion at this point. So everything seemed normal to me.

Christmas Day:
We woke up and I went to get Big T up and we did the Santa gifts. MJ had just gotten up a few hours before and eaten and was still asleep.
After Big T saw his trampoline and Santa gifts, I went to get MJ up and dressed so we could leave and head to our Christmas Day activities.
When I picked him up from his bed he was limp. I just figured he was tired and worn out from all the throwing up he'd been doing.
But the hubs and I researched taking him to the hospital anyway, because something just wasn't right.
We decided since he was having no fever and keeping his food down, that we'd just watch him closely and if at any point we needed to head to the hospital, we'd do so.
So off to my sister's house we went.
MJ slept a lot, Big T opened his gifts and we headed off to our next destination, the hubs grandparents house.
We got there and I immediately fed MJ. He ate maybe 2 oz.
We had lunch ourselves and I frequently was checking on MJ. Still sleeping.
It was time to open gifts and the hubs and I were taking turns holding MJ and helping Big T with his gifts and opening our own.
I was snapping pictures and got this one of MJ.

After I took that and looked at the screen is when it hit me.
We needed to go to the hospital.
Hubs was loading up the gifts in the car and we were going to the hospital.
Then I unwrapped MJ from his blanket, looked at him, noticed his eyes had rolled back in his head and he wasn't breathing.
I yelled for the hubs, told him he wasn't breathing and yelled out for someone to call 911.
Tears streaming down my face, I held him, tried to get him to respond.
My father in law took him, put him on the kitchen table and we began chest compressions.
The 911 operator was speaking to my mother in law and she was telling us orders.
See if his chest was moving up and down, it wasn't.
I have no words to describe what I felt at that moment.
Panic. Fear. Helplessness.
It was the absolute worst moment of my life.
He was blue and unresponsive. And there was nothing I could do but hold his lifeless body.
He was limp and I held him and talked in his ear, repeating to him "it's okay baby, mommy's here, stay with me Masen!"
I felt empty and like the world stopped.
We ran out to the car and drove down to the bottom of the hill, me still holding MJ in his blanket, talking in his ear.
We got down to the road and waited what seemed like forever for the ambulance to get there.
They finally arrived and got him started on oxygen.
He coughed once and I could hear all the congestion in his chest and after that cough he could breathe a little better. The oxygen helped too. And by the time we got to Children's Medical Center in Dallas, he was breathing again.
It was still very slow breathing and he was still quite unresponsive.
In the ER the team worked on him and began hooking him up to all the machines and started the testing.
He was weighed, poked, prodded, taped, suctioned, spinal tapped, catheterized, had blood taken, and temperature taken.
His temp when we got to the ER was 95.9 degrees.
He was blue and cold. So under the warmer he went.
He pinked up quickly, but it was still very apparent he was very sick.
All the nurses crowded around our room door and were peeking inside while the other nurses worked on him. I knew that wasn't a good sign.
The doctor came in to talk to us and told us what was happening.
She said he was going to be there a minimum of 48 hours. They were testing for everything under the sun and most test results wouldn't be back for 2 days.
The first RSV test they did was negative. They decided to send in the results again because all the symptoms he was having were consistent with RSV.
After a few hours in the ER we were sent up to the PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit).
That was a scary place.
We had to wear surgical masks, gowns, and gloves upon entering his room.
I got no sleep that night. The monitors went off and I got up.
The nurses came in to check on him and I got up.
I checked on him every 20 minutes.
The next morning the doctor came in and said he had done so well throughout the night that he would be moved to a regular room that day.
She also said that the RSV test did come back positive and that there was really no treatment other than making him as comfortable as possible.
Suctioning him before every feeding, and continuing oxygen until he was able to breathe on his own without any help. All things that could be done on a regular floor and out of the PICU.

That day we were moved to a regular room and he continued to improve from there.
I got more sleep that night, just being out of the PICU I think put my mind at a little more ease. It was one step closer to going home.
There was one point when we first got moved to the new room when they decided to take him off oxygen and see how he did and his levels plummetted, so back on oxygen he went.
They slowly turned it down from there, and he eventually adjusted.

The hospital is a lonely and scary place. Especially when you have such a small baby in there. I can't imagine what the parents with children who have more serious ilnesses go through. The 1 day in the PICU was scary enough for me.
I stayed there alone at night, as the hubs had to be with Big T.
But MJ continued to improve and I was thankful for that.

We came home yesterday at about 3pm.
MJ is still congested and sick, but we are doing what we can to keep him as comfortable as possible, which is about all we can do.
It's a viral infection and it just has to run it's course.

He slept in our bed last night and did ok.
He does cry out at times, but I think it's just because he doesn't feel good. Poor baby.
It breaks my heart to see him sick and know there's nothing I can do.
But I know he's getting better every day.
I have to suction him before every feeding, and that's about all I can do.
As I sit here typing this MJ is laying in my lap looking up at me with his big blue eyes and I can't help but fall in love with him all over again.
He is my precious little man and I'm so grateful that he's here with me and that I was blessed with him and Big T.

That Christmas Day was one I will never forget. It taught me that the most precious gift we can recieve is the love of our children.
So while it was the scariest event of my life, it was also the most eye opening.
I'm grateful and blessed beyond words can express.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and were as enlightened as I was. Hopefully in a much less scary way.

Here are a few pictures from our Christmas.
Christmas Day before the hospital:

Big T getting up Christmas morning:


MJ melting all the nurses hearts at the hospital:

Seriously, every nurse commented on how adorable he was. He was a chick magnet up there.

Right after eating for the first time in over 12 hours. He was a hungry boy:


Hooked up to all the machines in the PICU:


Sweet boy:

Milf Monday: on hold

Milf Monday is on hold this week because we have been in the PICU with MJ since yesterday.
He stopped breathing on Christmas Day and after a frantic ambulance ride to Children's Medical Center it has been determined that he has RSV and bronchitis.
Hands down the scariest thing I've ever been through.
I'll have the full story soon, but for now your prayers are welcomed.

MILF Monday: The Scale is a Filthy Whore

That's right, a whore I tell ya.
I have not lost a single ounce in 2 weeks.
Now, I know this is bullshit for a few reasons:
1. I have been tracking everything I eat.
Seriously, I haven't been over 1200 calories in 2 weeks. Not once.
2. I have been running 5 days a week and doing the Shred 6 days a week.

This is what I think.
I think that my body still thinks I'm breastfeeding and is holding onto the extra weight.
Why do I think that?
Because I can still feel a "let down" sensation and I'm still leaking.
Not engorged at all, but there are definitely still signs that my body thinks I'm breastfeeding.
I'M NOT! LET GO OF THE FAT FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Now I've never said I was a weight loss expert. Hardly. But I do believe I know how to make MY body lose weight.
There is no secret, it's calorie counting and working out. Period.
So for awhile I was a little discouraged.
Okay, that's a lie. I was pissed. Enraged that I'd been putting all this effort in, and seeing no results.
So I thought I'd take my measurements again.

Here are my measurements as of November 21st:
Waist: 34.5"
Hips: 46"
Arm: 12"
Thigh: 22.5"
Bust: 42"
Weight: 171.5 lbs.


And my measurements as of December 16th (nearly 4 weeks later):
Waist: 34" -.5"
Hips: 44" -2"
Arm: 11.5" -.5"
Thigh: 21" -1.5"
Bust: 40" -2"
Weight: 168.5 lbs. -3 lbs.

So while I've only lost 3 lbs. in 4 weeks (UGH!) I have lost 6.5".
Just a reminder that the scale is not always going to be your friend.
Weight loss is hard.
It's sometimes a bitch and doesn't reflect your hard work.
But the key is to not give up, because I know eventually it will come off.
In the meantime, it is frustrating though. I am glad I decided to measure again so I don't go completely insane.

So there's your weekly update.
I can fit into 2 of my pre-pregnancy jeans... albeit, not comfortably. I have the muffin top working and it's not cute.


********IN OTHER NEWS********

Big T is now in his big boy bed!

We converted his crib to the toddler bed on Saturday night. He screamed and cried for awhile, but eventually fell asleep.
He hasn't gotten out of bed or anything. I don't think he realizes he physically can. I'm sure it's only a matter of time though.
But he seems really excited about it and walks around saying "Cucker (that's how he says his name) like big boy bed!"
So cute!

We also took the boys to see Santa this weekend.
Big T was all excited to tell Santa the he wants a "bounce" (trampoline) for Christmas, but when we got up there he, of course, freaked.
So Santa suggested we do a family picture.

Yes, I realize my husband looks like a prison inmate. He claims he smiled right before that picture and the photographer missed it.
He is seriously like the hardest person to photograph.

Then Santa waned another picture with MJ. He did NOT cry like his big brother did.


Cute, right?

We also got a new bed this weekend. A king size! HOLLA! We've wanted a king for awhile. It's heaven.
We have no headboard currently, that will have to come later. I'm actually debating making one.
The downside is we have our old queen size bed laying in our living room right now..

Yeah, so MJ is taking a nap on it currently. I gotta be honest, it does seem quite practical to have a mattress in the living room. At least with a newborn it does.
I'll have to move it later today to get my workout in, but it's nice for nighttime feedings.
Speaking of feedings, MJ slept for 5 hours one day last week!
So it hasn't happened again (last night he slept for 4 hours), but it was awesome.
I felt so refreshed that day!
Hopefully it just keeps happening more often!

One more thing- I went to a play last week. Now, I'm not the type to go to plays. But this was pretty awesome!
We went to see A Christmas Carol put on by the Dallas Theater Center.
So if you have a chance, GO SEE IT! I promise it does not disappoint!

Okay, I'm out for now.
Have a great Monday!

Merry Christmas from Us!

Hittin' It Hard

Update on the boob front: I pumped out the engorgement yesterday morning and since then I've had no pain.
I got 4 ounces when I pumped (a full feeding for MJ) and it was bittersweet, knowing it would be the last breastmilk he will get.
But I'm confident about it. I already feel better.

Yesterday (after I pumped) I strapped on 2 sports bras and my tennis shoes and started up the 30 Day Shred again.
I am proud to say I got through the first day with no breaks. I did day 2 today (while MJ was napping in the swing) along with week 3 of the Couch to 5K and I am feeling good.
I have also started back to counting my calories and am sticking to a strict 1200 calorie diet right now.)I downloaded an app called Calorie Counter by FatSecret to my phone and am tracking everything I put in my mouth. That's what she said.
It keeps track of my exercises, food intake and even has a barcode scanner that I can scan the food I eat and it automatically inputs the nutrition info.

So I'm back to hitting it hard and determined to get into my skinny jeans again.

Check back Monday for a big loss (hopefully!)

MILF Monday: It's Over

Okay, no weigh in today.
Why? Well because after much deliberation, I have decided to quit breastfeeding.
First of all, SPARE ME your comments on how it's so much better for the baby and all that. I KNOW.
It is a personal decision and I do not need you judging me for it.

From the beginning, I have hated breastfeeding. I don't get the warm fuzzies from it, and it's hard as shit.
When I was strictly breastfeeding I was having to feed every hour around the clock because my child was NEVER satisfied after a feeding. And I'm sorry, but I HAVE to sleep SOMETIME.
And since I'm a big Babywise believer, and believe in putting a child on a schedule, feeding around the clock would not allow that.

SO, all that to say, I DO feel a little guilty and sad about it. I know breastmilk is nature's perfect food, but I have a healthy, thriving 2 year old who was formula fed, so I know it's not the end of the world.

And on a side note- breastfeeding didn't melt pounds off of me like I'd heard it would.
Not that that is the reason I'm quitting, but I'd be lying if I told you it didn't have anything to do with it.
Call it selfish, but for ME, to be the best mom I can, I need to feel good about myself.
And feeling like a flubbery milk maid is NOT my idea of feeling good about myself.

I know how to lose weight without breastfeeding. I'm good at it. But I didn't know how to lose weight while breastfeeding. Hell, it is suggested you don't TRY to lose weight while breastfeeding! Sorry, but no thanks.
I worked hard to look like I did before I got pregnant and I want that back.

So, I didn't weigh this morning because I hadn't breastfed or pumped since 6am yesterday morning and I woke up looking like Dolly Parton and in some pain.
I'm pretty sure there was 5 lbs. of milk in my boobs, so I didn't want to get discouraged by getting on the scale.

So it's back to doing what I know works with no side issues to worry about (like breastfeeding).
Again, I am sad about not breastfeeding anymore simply for the benefits of it, but I am ready to get my body back and be the best mom I can be... a HEALTHY one.

*Please leave your rude and hateful comments about breastfeeding to yourself. Like I said, this is a personal decision and I don't need or want your negative criticism.

One Month

I can't believe it's been a month since I had MJ.
It seems like yesterday he was shat out of my womb.
(Bad Santa, anyone?)

This month has been one of sleep deprivation but also much love.
I know I won't get these moments back and soon, one day my little guy won't be so little anymore.
So I'm taking it all in stride, not taking one second for granted and loving on my sweet boy.

Here are some one month pics of my tiny little guy.





I set my 6 week checkup for December 22nd.
I look at this appointment as a solid "starting point" as far as my weight loss goes.
I was hoping/really expecting to be back around 155 lbs. by this time, but I'm not sure that's going to happen.
We'll see.

Also, I was looking through old pictures last night and I wanted to show you all something.
First, THIS GAL:

That's me in November of 2009, when Big T was about 10 weeks old.
I'd already started to lose weight at that point and was around 190 lbs. there.
HOLY BALLS! BIG MAMA!

And then there's THIS GAL:

That was in February of 2011, right before I got pregnant. I remember thinking I looked huge in that picture, so it never got posted. CRAZY!
Aren't we are own worst critics?
I would DIE to look like that right now!

I'll get there again... You can count on it.

Adventures in Baby Wearing

Big T had his very first Christmas program for school last night.
It was the cutest thing ever.
I cried. I'm such a loser. I have been to that Christmas program (for my niece and nephew) for the past 5 years and I ALWAYS cry.. even when it's not my kid. I don't know why, I guess I'm just overjoyed and proud of the kids.
He did so good and was SOOO stinkin' cute!
I wore MJ in my Moby wrap and he slept the whole time. It was my first time to "wear" him and I loved it.
What I don't love is all that extra fabric on that Moby wrap.
I have ordered another sling, so I'll see if I like that one better.



Practicing with the Moby:


Big T "performing":



PS- at one point during his performance I stood up to get a picture of him and my seat (it's like a movie seat that folds up when you get up) had folded up and I didn't realize it, so when I went to sit back down, without looking for fear of taking my eye off of Big T, I went into the sitting position expecting my chair to catch me and fell right on my ass.
Wearing MJ and all.
Everyone else was sitting down so I'm pretty sure the entire audience saw me.
AWESOME.

A Day in the Life of a Mom on Maternity Leave

7:00am- MJ starts crying from his room (he's previously been up at 1am and 4am for nighttime feedings)
I roll over and stumble to his room, exhausted. Get him and bring him to our bed.
Try to breastfeed in the laying down position. MJ can't seem to get this position down, so I end up sitting up in bed. Now, I'm awake.

7:30am- get Big T up. He sits on the couch, eats his banana and drinks his milk while watching Toy Story 3 or Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. (shoot me)
Meanwhile, I am chaning MJ's diaper, and getting him in the carseat.

7:45am- get Big T dressed, teeth & hair brushed and ready for daycare.

8:00am- drop Big T off at daycare. MJ in tow.

8:15am- get home, tend to MJ. He's still hungry. Like always. Feed him another 2 ounces of pumped breastmilk or formula. Yep, I'm supplementing because my child is probably the hungriest child on the face of the planet and I'm not a damn milk maid. I like to have a life outside of breastfeeding, so Similac Sensitive it is.

9:00-10:00am- MJ is up and squirming. I hold him, watch Live with Kelly (ps- it's not the same since Regis left. However, my favorite co-host thus far is Neil Patrick Harris)

10:00am- Feed MJ. Keep him awake as long as possible. This usually lasts an hour.
(all the while I have the Wendy Williams show on and I'm secretly thinking that woman is a BEAST!- but I do love her honest/raw attitude)

11:00am-1:00pm- MJ naps in his crib. This is my free time. I get a shower/blog/do laundry/respond to emails/grab some lunch/pump/etc. It is rare I get a nap. Speaking of responding to emails- I have been getting a LOT of emails lately on my weight loss. I am trying to respond to them all in a timely fashion, so please bare with me.

1:00pm- MJ wakes up. Feed him. I typically breastfeed/feed pumped breastmilk during the day and formula feed at night. Don't judge me. It's whats working best for me right now.

1:30pm-2:30pm- keep MJ awake with tummy time, playtime, attention, etc.

2:30pm- MJ takes a nap in his crib. I try to take a nap. I am not successful, my brain won't shut off thinking about all the things I have to get done. I get up, research dinner options, get dinner started in the crockpot, pick up the house, pump, etc.

4:00pm- MJ wakes up. Feed. Hubs and Big T come home. Start the process of telling Big T "no" a million times, try to keep him entertained, fight with him over everything. Basically, get worn out and beaten down by my 2 year old, all while trying to entertain/keep my 1 month old happy.

5:00pm- MJ falls asleep. I play with Big T, get the rest of dinner ready. We eat. More playing with Big T. I run on the treadmill and do weights. I pump.

7:00pm- MJ wakes up. Feed. Keep him awake by giving him a bath. We all hang out in the living room, watching TV, playing, etc. Hubs gives Big T a bath/shower.
Try to keep MJ away until 9:30pm-10:00pm for his next feeding.
Big T goes to bed at 8:30pm, but not before throwing a fit first. Wears.Me.Out.

9:30pm- MJ eats. Put him to sleep in his crib. Sometimes he'll go right to sleep, other times he will want to stay up.

10:00pm- I fix bottles for the night and get in bed.
Up at 1am, 4am and then do it all again.

It's worth every second though... no matter how tired I am!

MILF Monday & MJ's Newborn Pics

Today's weight is 168.5, so I lost 3.5 lbs. this week.
Not bad.
I'm happy to be in the 160's.

I jumped the gun a little bit and started running again last night.
I was going to wait until 4 weeks post, but I have been feeling great and thought I'd try a run out.
I started out slow and did Day 1 of the Couch to 5K.
It went well. I felt good and was slightly challenged.
I am going to continue to run 5 days a week, and starting next week I'll be starting up Lindsay Brin's Postnatal Boot Camp DVD.
I'm excited to get to sweating again!

And here are some of MJ's newborn pics.