This is my 1,000th post y'all. That's insane. If you've read my blog start to finish, I'm quite impressed! Because really, probably 40% of what I write is just "filler." Regardless, this post will be anything but.
Today I thought I'd share with you a little bit about the emotional side of WHY I was fat.
We all know HOW I got fat: I ate shit and I didn't move my body. For like 7 years. That equaled about a 50 lb. weight gain. Not awesome. But I've never really touched on WHY I was fat.
And honestly, I can only tell you the reasons now, in hindsight.
You always see on The Biggest Loser when the contestants have a "breakthrough" moment. When they are working out so hard and just lose it. They start sobbing uncontrollably, and the trainers immediately leech to them and want to talk it out. Get to the bottom of their deep seeded issues. WHY they got they way they are.
I've had those moments. The moments during a really tough workout where I have just started crying uncontrollably because I was tired, it was hard, my thighs rubbed together, and I could feel my fat jiggling and it just disgusted me. To the point of tears. I was mad. Mad because I'd allowed myself to get to that point. Mad because none of my friends had weight problems and had to bust their ass like I did. Mad at my husband because he could eat a cheeseburger and fries for lunch every day and not gain an ounce. Mad because IT WAS HARD. And I hated it. Mad at the world because this was just NOT FAIR. I didn't feel like I should have to work out every day! It was bullshit!
Even then, in the middle of those tears I didn't have a "breakthrough" moment. I didn't know WHY I got fat. Honestly, I always just thought it was because I loved to effing eat. And I was lazy. And those are both true, but now, after the weight loss, looking back, I can tell you why I was fat.
It stems from feeling inadequate. Starting in my sports playing days.
I played softball for.ev.er. Competitively. Like very competitively. From a very early age.
And I was good, sure. But my friends? They were like badass. And it always seemed that I had to try so much harder than them, just to be good. And they were just naturally gifted. It angered me. And it wasn't fair.
I practiced my heart out. Consistently. And I was really good. But they were always better than me.
I always felt cheated because I always felt like I had a bigger heart for the sport and they could have really cared less about it and were still these rockstar athletes. And there I was, busting my ass to just be "good".
They got scholarships to college to play, and I knew I never would. I was happy for them, but I just felt inadequate.
And it wasn't just in sports either.
They were pretty and the guys just fell all over them. I was cute, sure, but again, I felt not good enough next to my friends.
Looking back, I also think it was because I didn't put out in high school. Yep, I graduated a virgin. Proud of it.
But I know that's where my feelings of inadequacy stemmed from.
And I think that spilled over into my relationships.
I met The Hubs right out of high school and never felt good enough in our relationship either. Not in the early days at least. We had A LOT of ups and downs. More downs than up in the beginning. And that didn't help my self confidence level at all.
So I ate.
It made me feel fulfilled for the time being.
I wasn't a binge eater or anything. Not that I really recall at least. I mean, it wasn't uncommon for me to have 1,000+ calories in a single meal. But I didn't like shovel it in my mouth at record speeds or anything.
I just didn't care about what I ate or why. I just liked the taste of food. It made me happy.
Food never judged me. It was never better than I was. It was always there for me.
I used to plan my days around my meals. Like getting so excited about what meal was next.
That's not how you should live your life.
In retrospect, I am more than proud to have gone what I've gone through.
To have felt inadequate at a young age. To have had my issues with food. To have overcome them. And now to be able to share all of that with you.
It has made me the person I am today, and I'm more than happy for a tough road paved.
Had I not gone through all that, I wouldn't have found out the WHY.
Now, when I reach a milestone and tears stream down my face because I just ran 10 miles without stopping, it is THEN that I am able to build myself back up. The feelings of being inadequate disappear and in comes pride in it's place.
I have so much more I want to accomplish. I take pride in my journey and knowing it's not over, but that it's just begun!
I'll take Pride over Inadequacy ANYDAY!