Who am I kidding, I do that every day probably.
I'm just hoping that MAYBE one day my kids will grow up and be like "hey, my mom is pretty whack dude, but man, she's one funny bitch!"
So I'm gonna tell you a little story about how I bathed with my kid one time.
Let me first start by saying this- I used to take baths with my tiny infants. I'm talking, no older than 6 weeks. Because, honestly, it was just easier for my fat ass. Instead of having to bend my lard ass over the bathtub whilst bleeding from all of my orifices and leaking milk all over the place (attractive, huh?) and trying to bath a tiny, slipperly (that's how Big T says "slippery, and well, it's just more fun, no?) infant.
So I'd strip them down, strip my embarrassingly chubby self down and sit with them cradled in my arms in my large garden tub.
I'd wash their tiny bodies, making sure to put a washcloth over their little privates just incase they decided on trying any funny business.
One time when Big T was about 4 weeks old and we were in the bathtub together (all 200 lbs. of me) he wouldn't stop screaming.
Do you know what happens when your child screams in close proximity to your breasts?
They leak.
It's not fun.
Isn't motherhood glamorous?
So I did what any mother would do, I fed him.
In the tub.
Annnnnnnnd The Hubs walked in and said "what the HELL are you doing to my son?"
Talk about embarrassing.
There I was, SITTING (hello flub all over the place) in a tub with my tiny infant breastfeeding him while my husband walks in.
Ew. I can just picture what I looked like from his angle. Poor thing. I probably scarred my husband that day. Big T was too young to remember.
But that's not what I'm going to talk to you about today.
Nope.
Today I'm going to tell you about the time Big T and I showered together.
The one AND ONLY time.
Aside from taking baths with my tiny slipperly infants for the first 6 weeks of their lives, that is the extent of my bathing with my kids.
Why?
Well I've got boys. And that's just weird for me.
They stare.
They have different parts.
And I don't like anyone touching my naked body under the age of 18 uhthankyouverymuch.
(kidding Hubs... mostly).
So this one time (at band camp) we went four wheeling.
Big T was about 16 months old, it was right before I got pregnant with MJ.
We get home from four wheeling and The Hubs tells me he needs to go wash the bike, leaving me with Big T.
We were both dirty. We'd been riding four wheelers all weekend and no matter how many showers you take in our camping trailer, it's like you never REALLY get clean in there.
We both needed a shower and Big T had just taken a nap, so I couldn't put him down and then shower.
So I decided we'd shower together.
Biggest mistake of my life.
I started the shower, put him in and proceeded to get undressed.
All the while he's staring at me like "WTF is this crazy bitch about to do?"
Totally giving me side eye the entire time.
That should have been a red flag right there.
But nope, I'm too dumb to pick up on THAT.
So I get in and that was the end of my life.
At least that's what it felt like.
He stood as still as a statue the ENTIRE TIME. And didn't utter a SOUND!
Not one.
My talking, lively, bouncing 16 month old, stunned into silence.
I think he was in a state of complete and utter disbelief.
As I stood there washing my naked body in front of my 16 month old, staring at him staring at my STOMACH, BOOBS, AND LADY BITS, I could feel my confidence dwindling rapidly.
He made me feel about thiiiiiis big (pinches fingers together to not even an inch wide).
A 16 MONTH OLD!
I've never been so embarrassed in my entire adult life.
His eyes were HUGE as he just stood there, with his tiny hands at his sides staring me up and down.
I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer me.
Finally I just resorted to turning my back to him and finish washing myself.
That didn't help.
I could feel him boring holes in my backside.
I finally got out and towel dried us both off and it's like the switch flipped again. He was bouncing around and playing and talking!!!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!?!?!?!
I'll tell you what happened.
I scarred my kid for life.
And he, unknowingly, motivated me to lose 20 lbs.
57 comments:
LMAO HILARIOUS!!
Perhaps I should shower with my daughter so that she motivates me to maintain my weight? Kids don't hold their punches. If something is amiss, they will let you, their friends, your neighbors, their teachers, your pastor and the mailman know.
God bless their little hearts. For they know not what they do. lol
Reese
Bahahahaha OMG I love you!!!!
Seriously though there should be laws about ages no matter what where you have to stop bathing with your kids. I had to unfollow a mom bc she bathes with ehr TWLEVE year old daughter. I am not a judger but yeah I am judging! SOrry for ya!
Just the laugh I needed this afternoon! The laughter isn't at you though...it's because of the one time I showered with my daughter. She was not quite 2...and asked to take a shower. I didn't want to let her loose in there...so I joined her. After a few minutes in there together...she looks me up and down and says, "hey mamma...I've got pepperoni's (as she points to her nips)....and mamma, you've got BIG pepperoni's!" Apparently a friend of ours (who watched her one night) thought it would be funny to teach her to call her nips "pepperoni's". Much to my dismay, that's the time she decided to remember. So to avoid any embarrassing "pepperoni" talk...no more showers for us! :-)
So you're saying I can lose 20 lbs by showering with my kids? YOU BRATS GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! AND BRING MY SOAP-ON-A-ROPE!!!
I guess it's a little different when you have a little girl. She doesn't seem to care and actually asks to shower with mommy sometimes. Never really pays much mind to me either. I think she must think she's in the rain or something crazy.
This post just made me so terrified to have kids. Breast leakage?! Oye the reality does not sound glamourous, but this story is seriously funny!
LMAO you crack me up! This happened to my sister too, with her son...one time and never again. I think it's MUCH different with girls! Boys should shower with dad, girls can shower with mom. ;)
I have two girls. Girls that are old enough to know that my tits are big. and they stare...like a longingly stare and I hear their thoughts of "Will mine ever get that big??" I'm pretty sure I also hear "Why are there so many rolls?" I dread the day they hit puberty and ask me where all the hair is?? #mommashavesthatshitoff
I think I just peed myself!
I have 3 boys and I'm pretty open with them. I walk around naked in front of them all. They know that I'm different and that's okay. I also want them to be comfortable with that difference. I mean, you sometimes see less than bikini on TV. (Not that I let my children watch that) My oldest son will avoid walking around in front of me and only come out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. I also teach then that it is not okay for other women to undress in front of them and that they need to stay in their bedroom/bathroom when they undress. My 4 year old... He will strip down and run around the house laughing when we have company. lol
Bahahahahaha!!! I can totally relate...my daughter who is 4 is constantly eyeballing me and saying things like "I can see your butt" followed by giggles and eyebrow lifts...seriously awkward. I hate getting out of the shower now, because I'm constantly fearing the door slamming open and in marching my two girls...and their girls! But so judgy. ;) Well and that 4 year old has a sassy mouth on her and big opinions..already. I digress. My hubs was preparing to get in the shower once and she barged in and demanded to take a shower too- after a while I couldn't find her so I went back to our bathroom to find him showering in his shorts with her...hysterical. I said "what are you doing?" His response "well, I couldn't fight her anymore about "why" she couldn't shower with me so I just said eff it and stayed in my shorts."...Good dad! Awkward moments make for good stories though. Just wait till Big T starts reading your blog...the real conversations will start then.
Thank you so much for making me laugh today! I always enjoy your posts. You are an inspiration.
Paula
That moment came for me when my 3 year old son got in the shower with me and started singing, "I like them big, I like them chunky!" I tried to tell myself it was because he just watched Madagascar, but who am I kidding? Kids don't lie!
You are hilarious.
I've bathed with my kids too, and you're right about the super awkward part... only it's not just because they're boys. I had a bath a while back, and had my daughter with me (she was about a year) and she didn't freeze mutely like Big T, she started GRABBING PARTS!
Talk about awkward. That is NEVER happening again.
Ha, ha, ha! That is hilarious! I'm sure you didn't really scar him. He just hadn't seen lady part before. ; ) Thanks for the laugh!!
~ Catie
Oh, and I have two girls. I would totally feel weird being naked in front of a son, if I had one. lol
This is too funny!!
I know how you feel. My 2 year old daughter came in the bathroom after I got out of the shower, not big deal. Until she started trying to pet me and say things like, "mommy you got hair on your who-ha". That's when I started telling her she could only come in the bathroom if it was an EMERGENCY.
That's hilarious! I showered with each one of my four kids when they were infants, more because it was just easier and killing 2 birds with one stone right! But the leaking from the chesticles....ay ya!! I also have a tat close to my lady parts so it's awkward when my 2 yo sees me naked and says "Mommy, did you draw on yourself there?"
My mom never worried about nudity and neither do I. But now I do try to cover up since my son is older.
Hilarious. Though I bfed my kids in the tub all the time when they were tiny. I never thought twice about it, til now.
Lol,that's so funny. I'm the complete opposite, I have showered with my son his entire lift (he's 7) because I want him to know what a real body looks like, he's seen me fat and 'phat' and he understands the difference between boys/girls, men/women, I want him to be comfortable with his body and with mine [as in what real women look like]. He understands my scar is how he came out of my tummy. That might be gross to some, but in the real world most of us don't look like Victoria's Secret models naked.
Ha! Well I'm that nasty mom that still takes baths with her boys. Well, more like I am takinga bath myself and my 2 year old insists on joining me. He says I have a penis, and I will correct him and tell him I have a vagina, or bagina to him. :)
That is too funny! My son is three and we still sometimes take a shower together (its just easier that way but fully aware we are almost to the age where this has to stop). The most I've had to deal with is #thatonetimehepoopedintheshower and the "momma, where's you tinkle?"
This post made me laugh - I actually still sometimes shower with my daughter - my husband was deployed for the first 16 months of her life so it was just easier to get us both in there - Now I only do it if we are stretched for time and both need showers - otherwise - daddy has bath duties :)
Pah HA! That is hilarious. However, I don't think it had anything to do with size. If my kid had to come in the bathroom with me at a convenience store when he was 3 he would run to the corner and close his eyes while I peed! They just don't know what to think about lady bits.
I used to put my middle son in the shower with me. It just made life easier until the day he asked "where's you weiner, mommy?" And I tried to offer a very brief explanation as to how mommy's don't have weiners and he said
"I'm sorry your weiner broke off, I will tell my daddy to get you a new one". We haven't showered together since! Ha!
Oh goodness, that's really funny...at least I hope you can laugh about it now?
You crack me up!!! Too funny!!!
Hahahaha! I just laughed through this whole post! Especially where your husband walked in on you! Oh the joys of motherhood. Thanks for the funny of the day.
Oh Mylanta, I just died! I have two girls and I won't shower with them for the same reason! It's too traumatizing for all involved!
Last night in the car, my six year old son and 2 (AND A HALF...she insists on this)year old daughter were discussing "boo boo." She refers to her self as Boo Boo (before the Honey came along), but she also calls boobs, boo boos. Aidan proceeds to tell her, "no no. When you are OLDER you will get HUGE boo boos. Like mom. Right, mom?" Uh....crickets. My husband was dying. Oh children :)
I've always taken baths/showers with both my kids {boy & girl} since they were born. Hell, I'll still throw them in there with me now if I was in a time crunch. But my mom was always very open with me and my siblings when we were kids. It's no thing for me to change in front of my children. They won't blink an eye. And I don't worry about either of them being shocked to learn things about the opposite sex. They both understand boys & girls are different.
I just spit my water out...CRACK-ING UPPPPP!!!!
Hilarious! You're the best.
hahaha! Ok, so I still take showers with my youngest, who is almost three. I just stopped taking a shower with Gunner about 6 months ago. Is that bad??!!??! I've just always taken showers with my kids ha!
Such a funny story! I don't post much but thought you might get a kick out of this...My sister would hop in the shower with my mom and dad if they were short on time or just wanted her clean (she hated baths/showers unless someone was with her). So she was in the shower with my dad one day when she got out and my mom was drying her off she said, "daddy has a tail like Tigger". Needless to say that was the LAST co-shower she ever had! We still laugh about it today.
OMG.... I laughed my ass off reading this post! That's some funny shit right there girly... Thanks for the good laugh!
I'm not a parent (yet) so I can't relate to being in your shoes. But my mother did tell me a story once: my father had gotten out of the shower and was getting dressed when my little sister (3ish) walked in on him. Oops! Later, she asks my mother: "why does Daddy have a tail?" Hahaha...that story still makes me laugh!
Sheree
thehartungs.blogspot.ca
You're funny!
Ha, this is pretty funny. I have never really thought twice about bathing with my toddler. He is almost 16 months, but we have been taking baths together since the beginning. When he was teensy, it was the only way I could get him to take a bath without crying his little head off. And now he hops in the shower with me out of convenience, when I am home alone with him and HAVE to shower or the hubby is working for home and one of us needs a bath. Two birds with one stone. He has never been awkward or grabby with me. He doesn't stare, he plays with his toys like nothing is going on, sometimes he will get hyper and crawl back and forth, but that is about it. Funny how different some kids are! Hahah I can only imagine what was running through Big T's little toddler mind! Especially if it wasn't something he was used to!
Hilarious! I don't know what's more funny: your post or the comments.
I have had that moment as well. I was in the shower with my 2 year old with my head back washing my hair. I look down and he is looking at my lady parts with a big grin and says "Mommy, you are going to get big like daddy and grow a big puddy (that's what we call the snake in our house....) like daddy." I was thinking- Yep kid, that is my number one goal in life. Now get out!! :)
This is hilarious!!! My youngest son always showered with to save in time until I bent down to wash his hair and he decided to hold my boobs for me cause they were shaking in his face!
Such a funny post and the comments too... I'm literally laughing out loud. :)
hahahahahhaha.... girl, you totally just made my day!!!! LOL.
Thank you for being confident and YOU! We all do stuff we regret... thanks for putting it out there and giving everyone a laugh!
Much love and blessings on your day!
HAHAHAHA!! My sis-in-law showered everyday with my nephew until the day he became very curious about her lady bits. He just kept asking what it was and she would tell him the truth, but he didn't know what the hell 'vagina' meant. So my nephew asked my brother the next time they were showering together and my (asshole) brother said it was Mommy's 'hot dog bun'...You can guess what most 3 year old's do with words you don't want them to repeat...They stopped showering together after that...
Too funny!!!! :P
Thanks for the advice for when I have kids...lol
Love it!!!! My son just referred to my fat butt last night, so I can feel your pain! Thanks to you for all the inspiration! This is the year I'll lose the last 20-30! Rock on Mama!!!
And L.O.V.E the picture!!!!
LMFAO!! breastfeeding in the tub!! WOW.. hey a mom does what a mom has to do!! I used to just bathe Lil M in the sink... was so much easier to bend down while using the bath tub
www.lilmsadventures.blogspot.com
Because of this post and having a horrible day, I took a bath with my 27-mos old last night... It was an awesome way to end our day - no worries about my body here and I'm overweight... Spending time with my boy is more important than worrying about what I look like... :)
Oh, how I wish I would have had that experience instead of the one I had! I had just gotten home from working out & my 17 year old nephew was at our house watching my 21 & 8 month old boys. I wanted to take a shower & he said he'd stay longer. My 21 month old was adamant he wanted to shower with me, so I figured, "What the heck", and let him. The shower went fine, until the end when he slipped on our ceramic tile and I watched (I swear in slow motion), as his head hit dead on with the corner of the ceramic tile, causing a horrible gash on his forehead. I freaked out. Scooped him up, started screaming immediately for my nephew to come help (as I'm sitting buck naked on my floor, all 170+ pounds of me). Fortunately I had the wherewithall to grab a bath towel & put it between my & my son so I wasn't toally exposed. It was a horrifying experience. Ended up at the ER, he got 8 internal & 8 external stitches. The physical scar on him is still there & will be for quite awhile. I'm sure the emotional scar on my nephew will last a lifetime too! This is the reason my boys will never shower with me again. :)
Awww Mama I love bathing with my 11 week old daughter and have since she was 2 weeks old. We nurse in the tub every time and it is one of the most sacred times for us, my husband took photos of us the first time so that we could always remember how little she was and what a miracle it is that my body makes the perfect food for her and that she enjoys it so very much! I imagine that your son staring at you in silence was not at all about judgment of your body (since little kids haven't yet learned to discriminate against people for any reason) and was more about being curious because he had not seen you naked in so long. To each his own regarding bathing with their kiddos. I am sure your son is not scarred for life =)
Maybe Im too sensitive, but this post kind of upset me. I totally and completely understand what you're saying, but part of me feels weird that you'd think your child thinks your overweight or unattractive or something! And I have a daughter, so maybe it's different, but she sees me naked a lot, when I change or shower. And she occasionally sees my husband naked, and she'll ask a question about it maybe, but altogether, she sees nudity as fairly normal when changing or showering. I'm just scared to make her think its gross or wrong to see a naked body. And she knows 'lady bits' and 'boy parts' and we tell her never to let anyone touch her lady bits, yadda yadda. And I'm still about 15lbs overweight, but I'm sure my daughter doesnt notice that! And I'm sure Big T didnt either! He LOVES you, hes not thinking about how you look, he was probably just curious! Anyway, Im just giving my two cents! I completely understand where you're coming from! :)
I was thinking everything that you just said Steens. Ive nursed my boys while bathing. Relaxing for everyone. Also I just had to shower with them they other day (they are 19 mo and almost 3yo) for the mere fact I couldnt trust them alone in the house while I showered.
I stopped bathing with my son when he pointed at my "lady parts" and asked why I have a mustache there.
I used to toss my girls in the shower with me when they were wee. My youngest, stopped when she was probably a month old. She quit nursing at 10 months, she just completely lost interest. Then when she was 18 months old, I put her in the shower with me. She screamed and cried "don't like it too big boobies! " Now at five she thinks this story is hilarious.
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