I scarred him for life.
Who am I kidding, I do that every day probably.
I'm just hoping that MAYBE one day my kids will grow up and be like "hey, my mom is pretty whack dude, but man, she's one funny bitch!"
So I'm gonna tell you a little story about how I bathed with my kid one time.
Let me first start by saying this- I used to take baths with my tiny infants. I'm talking, no older than 6 weeks. Because, honestly, it was just easier for my fat ass. Instead of having to bend my lard ass over the bathtub whilst bleeding from all of my orifices and leaking milk all over the place (attractive, huh?) and trying to bath a tiny, slipperly (that's how Big T says "slippery, and well, it's just more fun, no?) infant.
So I'd strip them down, strip my embarrassingly chubby self down and sit with them cradled in my arms in my large garden tub.
I'd wash their tiny bodies, making sure to put a washcloth over their little privates just incase they decided on trying any funny business.
One time when Big T was about 4 weeks old and we were in the bathtub together (all 200 lbs. of me) he wouldn't stop screaming.
Do you know what happens when your child screams in close proximity to your breasts?
It's not fun.
Isn't motherhood glamorous?
So I did what any mother would do, I fed him.
In the tub.
Annnnnnnnd The Hubs walked in and said "what the HELL are you doing to my son?"
Talk about embarrassing.
There I was, SITTING (hello flub all over the place) in a tub with my tiny infant breastfeeding him while my husband walks in.
Ew. I can just picture what I looked like from his angle. Poor thing. I probably scarred my husband that day. Big T was too young to remember.
But that's not what I'm going to talk to you about today.
Today I'm going to tell you about the time Big T and I showered together.
The one AND ONLY time.
Aside from taking baths with my tiny slipperly infants for the first 6 weeks of their lives, that is the extent of my bathing with my kids.
Well I've got boys. And that's just weird for me.
They have different parts.
And I don't like anyone touching my naked body under the age of 18 uhthankyouverymuch.
(kidding Hubs... mostly).
So this one time (at band camp) we went four wheeling.
Big T was about 16 months old, it was right before I got pregnant with MJ.
We get home from four wheeling and The Hubs tells me he needs to go wash the bike, leaving me with Big T.
We were both dirty. We'd been riding four wheelers all weekend and no matter how many showers you take in our camping trailer, it's like you never REALLY get clean in there.
We both needed a shower and Big T had just taken a nap, so I couldn't put him down and then shower.
So I decided we'd shower together.
Biggest mistake of my life.
I started the shower, put him in and proceeded to get undressed.
All the while he's staring at me like "WTF is this crazy bitch about to do?"
Totally giving me side eye the entire time.
That should have been a red flag right there.
But nope, I'm too dumb to pick up on THAT.
So I get in and that was the end of my life.
At least that's what it felt like.
He stood as still as a statue the ENTIRE TIME. And didn't utter a SOUND!
My talking, lively, bouncing 16 month old, stunned into silence.
I think he was in a state of complete and utter disbelief.
As I stood there washing my naked body in front of my 16 month old, staring at him staring at my STOMACH, BOOBS, AND LADY BITS, I could feel my confidence dwindling rapidly.
He made me feel about thiiiiiis big (pinches fingers together to not even an inch wide).
A 16 MONTH OLD!
I've never been so embarrassed in my entire adult life.
His eyes were HUGE as he just stood there, with his tiny hands at his sides staring me up and down.
I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't answer me.
Finally I just resorted to turning my back to him and finish washing myself.
That didn't help.
I could feel him boring holes in my backside.
I finally got out and towel dried us both off and it's like the switch flipped again. He was bouncing around and playing and talking!!!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED!!?!?!?!
I'll tell you what happened.
I scarred my kid for life.
And he, unknowingly, motivated me to lose 20 lbs.