3.19.2013

I wanted to be Anorexic

I have told you all how and why I got fat, but I've never really discussed with you all my serious issues I had with food.
Yes, you know I'm a former Taco Bell addict.
You know I hid fast food wrappers from The Hubs (then boyfriend) and you know I fed my body crap food.
But that's all you know.

Today I'm going to dig a little deeper and tell you all the SERIOUS issues I had with food.
And it's not until hindsight that I can see that these things could have spiraled into something I'm lucky they never did....

an eating disorder.

Now, when I think "eating disorder" I immediately think of stick thin women with bones poking out.
Would you be shocked to hear me say that I actually used to RESEARCH "How to become Anorexic?"

I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that, but it's true.

Here is what would happen during the years I gained all my weight.

I worked 5 minutes from a ton of fast food places.
I was single (ish) with no kids and lived alone (ish).
I had Taco Bell for lunch 3-4 days a week.
2,000 calories in one sitting.
A baja chicken chalupa, a 7 layer burrito, and a nacho supreme, with a large Pepsi.
Then, after I scarfed that food down I'd nap in my car for the rest of my lunch break.
I would find a trash can and throw away the "evidence" or food wrappers.
I would eat this food and be SO HAPPY during the act of actually EATING it, and then THE SECOND I was finished with the last bite I felt something totally different.

I felt ashamed.
Embarrassed.
DISGUSTED.
and Tired.

Hence the nap.

I'd come home from work, decide what fast food I was going to eat and eat that...
thus began the vicious cycle all over again.

Eat the food.
Feel AMAZING when shoveling it in my face.
Then immediately feel ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted and tired.
Often times I'd cry after eating these meals.
A few times I even tried to make myself throw up.
I never could do it. I'd stand, hovering over the toilet, tears dripping into the water and I couldn't even make myself throw up. 
I felt like a failure.
A failure for first EATING that crap, feeding my body copious amounts of shit, then a failure for not even being able to make myself throw up.
I was so disappointed in what I was doing to myself, and disgusted with what I'd just done, but I could not physically stop myself from eating.

Then I'd make promises to myself that "tomorrow will be better" or "I'll start my diet on Monday."

I'd then starve myself until lunch the next day.
I very rarely ate breakfast.

I researched how to be anorexic. I looked up Pro-Ana sites, those are websites that are PRO Anorexia. I didn't even know those kind of websites existed. It's sickening, really.
It disgusts me to think I even WANTED to be like that.
Something millions of women STRUGGLED to overcome, I wanted.
Because I wanted so badly to be thin.
If that doesn't tell you how incredibly effed up I was in the head, I don't know what does.

Here I was, overweight and BINGE EATING, and all I wanted was to be skinny.
The FASTEST way possible.

In my head, I thought "well if I don't eat, then I'll DEFINITELY lose weight."
Thinking like that will only get you what you DON'T want... more depressed and possibly an eating disorder.

There are much better ways to go about losing weight... I just had NO IDEA what they were.
I'd never had to lose weight before.
I was always and forever 130 lbs. and able to eat whatever crap I wanted.
I played a lot of sports and was very active, that's why.
I was never taught how to eat healthy.
We grew up in the country where everything was smothered in gravy and deep fried.
My mom cooked like Pre-Diabetic Paula Deen.
And my brother, sister and I were all thin.
Like REALLY thin. We were all very active.
My parents were definitely heavier during this time, but they have since lost over 120 lbs. together by eating right and moving their bodies.
Of course this was years after all their kiddos were gone from home.
Healthy eating was never a part of my life growing up.
I literally did NOT know how to eat healthy.
So I'd ALWAYS had a terrible relationship with food.
But it wasn't until my early 20's that those issues surfaced because the weight was creeping on.

I don't know what it was that made me want to lose weight the right way, it was just a rock bottom that I hit.
I knew that binge eating, and then starving myself was NOT going to work.
I'd been there and done that, and all that had gotten me over the years was an effed up head and bigger jean size.
I guess I just knew that anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT, so I decided "this is it, I've gotta do this the RIGHT way."
And it wasn't until THEN that it clicked for me.
That I saw "oh, okay, I CAN still eat and lose weight. Yes, it will come off a little slower, but I'm replacing that unhealthy relationship I had with food for a healthy one."

And THAT is when the magic happens y'all.

Get your head right.
Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT.


(These are my deepest struggles, y'all. I post them to help women know that it IS possible to lose weight the RIGHT way. That you can still struggle and come back from something like this. Do NOT post negative comments ((they won't be posted anyway)) on my own personal journey that I HAVE SINCE OVERCOME.
I am NOT promoting anorexia or eating disorders in any WAY, SHAPE, or FORM. I am simply telling you MY struggles. I believe the ONLY way to lose weight is through proper diet and exercise, and that is exactly what I've done. Thank you.)


104 comments:

Sarah Kopf said...

Thanks for posting this----because it's EXACTLY what I was doing!!! I'm glad you have it right, girl! You look AMAZING! Work! :)

Sarah
www.thinfluenced.com

*** Christina *** said...

This is me in a nutshell. Thank you for sharing. I need to quit making excuses and do it. The hard part fitting in exercise before 7am or after 9pm.

Jaclyn N Lil M said...

wow, thanks for sharing!! there are so many women who face the same issues with food!! you are very brave to come out and tell your story!! so proud of how healthy you have become as well!! you are a great motivator

www.lilmsadventures.blogspot.com

Stephanie Suire said...

Thanks for sharing this, I think so many women feel alone and disgusted with themselves. They do not think other women struggle like they do. Now it is great that you are setting a positive example be eating right and exercising. You look great mama!

babybutt said...

You are amazing! Thank you for this!

Jenn Gecawicz said...

how many calories do you now eat a day?

theheidebrechts said...

This definitely hits home. I love how open you are with all of us, it makes me respect your struggles and battles so much more. Kudos to you for "getting your head right." And thank you for being such an inspiration.

Denise said...

Great post..thanks for being so honest. I definetly have felt this way. Also felt like trying to lose weight the healthy way was way to hard. I am somewhere in the middle now, I go back and forth. Still trying to get my mind right.

Amanda Elaine said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have been stuck at my current weight of 175 lbs since October and today I had just completely given up. I am tired, tired of working out, tired of eating healthy, tired of being tired. Then this post came along and now I am changing my life, not just my body. Thank you for being so open and honest.

Krista Perkins said...

I went through the same feelings, wanting to be thin so badly that I starved myself and worked out excessively. All that got me was 30 lbs lost, continuing feelings of shame and dislike for myself and guilt for worrying my family. Now, two kids later, I'm back to square one and trying to do it the right way, which is something I don't really know how to do. I'm down 7 so far just by eating better. Hope I can stay motivated this time!

♥ Marcy ♥ said...

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME post. I cried because I have been there and done that with all of the same scenerios. You are not alone in the research department. I would do the same thing and hoping that I could become annorexic to rid myself of this weight... Obviously I have overcome that. Thanks for sharing Mama!

Brittany Wynn said...

This was me without the whole binging on fast food thing. Lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks and gained 15 back after that. It was an endless cycle. I still have some eating disorder tendencies and it's a struggle to control them on some days more than others but I keep pushing on.

paulaspounds said...

Wow. This is seriosuly insane. This is EXACTLY (well, basically) my story too! I was never taught how to be healthy. I ate what I wanted. I was a taco bueno fan (#5- beef muchaco, bean burrito, crispy taco, and large dr. pepper) and I did the same thing -- ate it in the car, stopped at the nearest apartment complex, and threw away the wrappers. DELICIOUS while eating, then guilt, hate, and gross feelings came. We differ in that when I went home, I ACTUALLY threw it up (or what I could...) hello 2,000 calories! GROSS!

I acutally started my weight loss journey Jan6, 2013, and am down from 171 to 149/150. I havent seen the 140's since about age 13 - I am almost 25.
www.paulaspounds.wordpress.com

I've always been "heavy" but I am sick of being the fat girl.. I am sick of being the nice girl, girl with brains, girl with a great personality---but not as "gorgeous girl" or "girl with awesome abs/lets/arms/whatever!"
Its time to be that girl.

Thank you for the truth. Thank you for saying what I couldnt. Thank you for your inspiration! It means more than you know.

Have a TERIFFIC TUESDAY! =)

Jennifer said...

I can relate to this post in so many ways. I was addicted to fast food and still struggle with food addictions. I remember quickly getting rid of food bags and food wrappers to hide the evidence. I passed down some very unhealthy habits to my soon-to-be teenage son that I'm now trying to undo. Thank you for posting this because I really think many people are struggling with these very same feelings.

Melissa said...

Thanks for sharing your story! I, too, grew up in a home where we needed to eat poorly for financial reasons for my family. (I see it EVERY day while working at a food bank; people make poor choices not knowing how to shop for quality, low-cost produce and protein)

I struggled with bulimia while in high school from a number of reasons similar to others, mostly trying to keep up with the expectations of a boy. STUPID!

I now work hard for my body, and it is NOT easy, but I know I have to eat to have energy to burn while running or at the gym. I still struggle with the mental aspects. Always counting calories, feeling poorly about one bad meal, etc. so I'm working on that, and I hope I do okay while pregnant in the next year or so. Fingers crossed!

http://chroniclesofalipstickcowgirl.blogspot.com/

Joanne said...

Thanks....I needed this.
So I have been doing SOOOO good.
Lost over 10lbs & 10 inches. Trying so good with just the eating well part.
Then it happened....in one weekend it all fell apart.
I drank...ate....guilt. Yesterday I told myself...back on track.
I did so good. Then I had a moment alone....and I scarfed down a cupcake hid the wrapper and then moved on to a king size hersey bar and again hid the wrapper. I made myself throw up. I felt awful! Who is this person....I sat there feeling like this shell of me. WTF am I doing???
Today is a new day.....but I am so thankful I am not the only one who has felt this

Lori Filipiak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tracy J said...

All I can say is thank you!

Rebecca Melton said...

Thank you for writing this. It pretty much sums up my life for the last 15+ years. I have lost over 50 pounds before but the wrong way (by not eating). I shouldnt have been surprised when the pounds piled back on after having my first child. I gained every single pound back and then some. 3 children later and I am trying to focus on me. I want to be healthy and fit and live a long life. Thank you so much for the encouragement!

Meagan said...

You are amazing and brave! Thank you for sharing this, it hits home on so many levels and it is good to know that no matter how alone we think we are, there are always others feeling the same way. You're such an inspiration!

Megan C. said...

great blog post!!

Elizabeth P said...

Wow! From the heart and I bet so many readers can identify with your story. Thanks for being real.

So Totally Life said...

You are FOR SURE not alone in your thought process! I would "google" this stuff too & then panic that someone would somehow see that I had searched that topic & would "expose me" before I had accomplished my goal of being skinny... I would clear all the browsing history, etc from the computer, phone or whatever device I searched from....
You are TOTALLY right though... WISE food choices & EXERCISE is the ONLY way to do it! I'm at -35lbs & still going!!! :)
Thanks doll!

Lori Filipiak said...

Thank you for sharing this. Just makes me love you more. SO many people read your blog and look up to you. This shows them that you are not 100% perfect and that you too, struggled when trying to lose weight. I was bulimic for years and it took over my entire life. It was HELL! I had to plan my meals based on when and where I could throw up. My hair fell out, my skin was grey, I had 12 cavities AND I was a bitch. I was so unhappy. Funny thing is, I didn't really lose weight from it. I lost weight when I started to eat and take back control of my life. You are a true inspiration and this post just might save a life! I mean that, someone will read this and it will give them the "OK" they needed to see that they are not alone. That they CAN get the weight off without hurting themselves. You are a true blessing Brandi! xo

Wifey said...

I'm in tears reading this. I know exactly how you felt and still struggle with it almost daily. Thank you for sharing it. I'm hoping my son was the wake up call I needed to get to a healthy wait in a healthy way.

Brooke Hilgenberg said...

Thank you for sharing this dark struggle! It's mine as well! I've been on this new healthy journey since the birth of my second child & I hope and pray that it's a lasting journey this time!!
Brooklyn- browneyedgem.com

Jennifer Miller said...

Thank you for writing this. It was like reading my own journal pages.

I am at the point now that I know all of these things to be true, the good and bad. I know I CAN do it. I just have not been able to push myself to actually start DOING it. I am still getting ready to get started. It is so frustrating, I just need to DO IT!!!!

Sonya said...

binge eating, what you are describing, is an eating disorder right along there with anorexia and bulimia and it seems to me that it is not one that is taken quite as seriously. It is something that I have struggled with for YEARS! I remember binging one time when I was in high school after a very important person in my life told me my pants were "getting tight" and then deciding to throw it all up. I am now thirty and trying to break myself out of that cycle and deal with the issues of why I emotionally eat, binging and hiding food!

Thank you for posting this and being honest about it. You have described my situation almost exactly. It lets me know I am not alone and I can overcome this.

Beth said...

Great post - I have been a lurker for over a year on your blog but never posted a comment. I have done all the things that you described above. Until I read this I felt I was the only one who had done things like that. You are such a huge inspiration!

Jes said...

I've been reading for a few weeks noe (and will start doing your arm workout today! because your guns are banging), and you never cease to inspire me.

I haven't had the same struggle, but it just reminds me that we are all working for the same goal and can keep going!

Little Miss Bootyful said...

Put another notch on the ol' headboard for yet another Bangin' Post!!!! :-) Gurrrllll you are AMAZING!!!

Brittany King said...

Thank you for posting this!!! Really opens my eyes on what I am doing and what I NEED to do. You rock! Thanks for being so real:)

Jess Volpe said...

I'm sure there are going to be a lot of people that relate to this post, and I am one of them! I did struggle with anorexia in H.S. and the worst part was everyone kept telling me how good I looked so I kept not eating. My parents didn't even realize that I wasn't eating. If I ate anything - even a piece of fruit I would do 100 crunches. It was crazy and unhealthy. I really think it screwed up my metabolism from H.S. on.

Even up until last year I would binge, feel ashamed and guilty and cry. I felt so pathetic and worthless. Thank you, as always, for being real and honest. It's good to know that other people have struggled with these things too. It was embarassing and I must admit in the past few weeks I've struggled with some of these old habits. This post has really helped me because I know you are right. Hard work and consistency is key to losing weight, even if it is slower. Thank you!!!!

Kelli Herrington said...

I know I can def relate and the fact that I had a friend who could puke on demand and I couldnt even get anything up I was so jealous of her all the while she wished she could get better. Now I am struggling trhying to loose weight the right way and it is the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life. I have been yo-yoing since December and Im Fn pissed I cant get it I can worlour but the food choices is what gets me.

Hayley said...

i was skinny until 25 based on metabolism alone, not being healthy (eating right or exercise) and then the weight started to slowly creep up. i haven't actually researched anorexia, but i have joked and said i wish i had the will power. i just had my 2nd baby and last year - right before i got pregnant with him - was the first time i've ever actually really been motivated to eat better and exercise. mostly due to your inspiration, so thank you. i'm beginning the process again & it is hard, but i'm bound and determined to get back into a size 6! (currently a 14...) i'm proud of you, you did it the right way and you've inspired SO MANY PEOPLE! thanks as always for sharing!

Yolanda Arroyo said...

Thanks for sharing your story of weight loss, congrats to you, you have come a long way, You are a great inspiration! I just started reading your blog and I love it! Your so down to earth and cool, thanks for your blog. oh and by the way you look wonderful!

A.Callahan said...

oh how I can relate. Sad but true. Thanks for posting your struggles, glad to know and hear we're not alone.

Andrea said...

I love these posts. They make me feel like it's possible to achieve my goals, and do it in a healthy way. I was thin up until I graduated from Univ. I was used to being the 'hot' girl, the one with the sexy body, the one the girls were jealous of. Well, how they'd laugh if they saw me now. I didn't binge eat, and for the most part eat healthy meals. My undoing was little splurges here and there, that I didn't take control of and resulted in 10 lbs, after 10 lbs, after 10 lbs. After 3 babies, and the latest resulting in an 80 lb weight gain (of which I have lost 50), I'm heavier than ever. It's embarrasing and consumes me. There's probably literally not an hour in the day, every day, that I don't think about it and stress over it. I'm still searching for that moment where I once and for all set my mind to losing this weight. I start, I find some success, then I just...stop. I haven't found that moment yet.

Danielle K said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm going through a really shitty time with my weight loss and I actually posted about it this morning. I've been struggling with binge eating lately and I feel shameful. Hoping I hit that break through point soon so I can move on with my head up and my spirits high. Thanks for sharing :)

<a href="http://leangreenmama.blogspot.com/2013/03/listen-all-yall-its-sabotage.html>Lean Green Mama</a>

Devon said...

Wow, you literally stole the thoughts out of my head! I used to do the same.exact.thing. I even tried to make myself throw up a couple times and was never successful! I am so happy that I found your blog last summer. I just had my first baby last September and you are so inspiring to get back to my pre-baby weight! Right now I am currently struggling to fit it all in and my work-outs have been suffering, but I know that I will figure it out and I can always look to you for motivation! So thank you, you rock!!!

Devon

laduit2it.blogspot.com

Nichole Gaertner said...

I love that you wrote about this. The premise of my blog actually came from the fact that I have always struggled with food myself. In fact I started out not eating, then to binging and purging, and then just binging. It is such a rough road... but knowing other women have overcome it makes it a little more encouraging. :)

Newlyweds on a Budget said...

can you write a post about the last 10 pounds? I have been fighting these 10-15 pounds for two years now. How do you break through?

Karie said...

Thank you for posting!! I have been there too and finally decided to do it the right way no matter how long it took!!

April Rowell said...

You totally ROCK!!! Been keeping up with you ever since I met you in Tulsa and you inspire every day:) Thanks for being real. -April

jessj said...

I never comment, mostly because I read ML on my reader and not the site, but also because you get SO MANY that I figure what's the point. However, this post was worth me coming to the site, and writing a comment.

Just to say thank you for your bravery. There is no shame in your journey and I am positive that you are sharing the story of many other women (and men), self included. It definitely is a battle in the mind FIRST and your honesty and vulnerability definitely illustrates that. I stand in awe of your courage. :-)

Britney Mills said...

Such a good post! Thanks for this. I totally understand the not knowing how to eat especially after being into sports for so long. I had learned how to eat like a softball player or how I thought they ate, instead of learning to be healthy. It's a daily battle but slow and steady wins the race.

Karyn Busch said...

You might be surprised how many people have been through the same situation! Same sitch, different bitch! Lol Glad you came through all that healthy! You look amazing!

Tamara said...

You are one inspiring woman-- I know you have definitely inspired me along the way. These are exactly the kinds of posts I flag and save to look at when I'm having a particularly difficult day/week.

I just wanted to say I appreciate your openness and willingness to share your struggles (and victories!) with us. It takes a lot of courage to share those stories in an attempt to motivate someone else. It's sickening to me that people would make negative comments to you when you share your stories. So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing! (and I'm sorry if this is my second comment on this post-- I was trying to post earlier and was having some troubles getting logged in.)

Morgan Dixon said...

Love this & had similar struggles. Thank you so much for sharing!

Greetings from www.fattofitconfessions.com/blogspot.com

Jessica Dean said...

Thank you for sharing this and all of your journey with your readers. You are truly an amazing women who has inspired so many people. I found your blog when I was hitting rock bottom with life and was so depressed. Thank you.

undomestic mama said...

Thank you for this, as a former (borderline) anorexic, I love that you're so open with your story and you show people it can be done the right way.

mommytothree said...

Great post girl. It hit home especially hiding the food wrappers. Thank you for being brave!!

{Chrissie} said...

You are not alone because I felt that way, too. I have struggled with my weight, on and off, since I about about 13. I am very short and have big boobs, so when I gain just a few pounds, it shows right away. I lost a TON of weight after I had my daughter from nursing, but it has slowly crept back on. After reading your blog, I signed up at the gym and I've been working out for the last few weeks. I am already seeing results and reading your blog every day really, really helps!!!

Kirstie E said...

Thank you for sharing this .. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 22 years :( I am for the first time in my life trying to lose 50lbs the healthy way.
trying2sparkle.blogspot.com

Emily said...

Thank you for this post. I have struggled with eating disorders and issues for almost 10 years. A Dr. actually diagnosed it as "Yo-Yo Anorexia". I would get to a good place, be comfortable & start to eat again until I felt bad. Then the eating disorders would creep back.

Thank you for the honesty & inspiration.

Greetings from: http://emmaxxjo.blogspot.com/

Kendra said...

Sometimes reading your words is like seeing inside my own head. I've had the thought about anorexia before but couldn't go there. I've been losing and had fallen off the wagon for a bit. Guess it's time to put on my big girl pants and get back on. Thanks for the nudge to get going again.

Patty said...

Great post!!! It definitely is all about finding the right mind set. For years I would binge on fast food whenever I felt upset or lonely etc. It took me forever to make that connection. Over the last three years I have been working hard to notice that when i crave junk food its mostly that i am upset and I find another outlet for that. Its a struggle but worth it. Love your blog...you are an inspiration!!

renae.nichole said...

I've struggled with this before and have never told anyone about it. It's embarassing. I too did the whole try to puke but couldn't so I felt even more like a failure. I really hate that I was at that point. I never thought I would be. Thank God for leading me to exercise and loosing weight the healthy weight. Plus, who wants to say that they lost all their weight doing something so horrible to themselves...everyone wants to say "I lost weight because I worked my ass off for it." It just feels so much better.

Danielle Morgan said...

Glad you posted this!! I too had researched "how to become anorexic." Now thinking back I'm like who in their right mind does that?? Thanks for your honesty and constant encouragement! I love your blog!! I stalk just about everyday!!

MusicLoveBaby said...

Seriously I think this is amazing. I feel like this isn't talked about enough but that a lot of people can relate to it. We either have done it ourselves or knew someone that has done it and truly I feel people can easily fall into it because it's "easy" way out.

So again thank you for sharing and you are awesome!

Halie Renee said...

I never struggled with wanting to be anorexic exactly, but I definitely went through a long time of wanting to lose weight magically. I wasn't willing to put in the hard work or give up my favorite foods. I wanted it to just melt off like magic, and without sacrifice from me. I've since learned that obviously won't happen, nor would it even be healthy. I've learned what it feels like to see the scale go down based on hard I've been pushing myself. So even though I wasn't exactly in your shoes, I did indeed have similar feelings. It's always great to know we're never alone in situations like this. I'm glad you shared this, no matter how difficult or "risky" it might have been.

Megan @ Grimm Tales said...

Honestly, I still think my life would be SO much easier if I could just not eat. Especially on days I eat like a fat fucking cow.

Debbie Hyman said...

Just like I told you on the FaceTime the other night, YOU are an inspiration. This is your calling- to help others! Look at all these posts from people- ALL feeling the same. We always wonder if others feel the way we do with regard to weight loss, and, well, now you know. We do all feel just like what you blogged about today- including myself. Thank you for what you do- and talking about it. Preach on sistah!!!! You're good ;)

Taryn said...

THANK YOU for such a true to heart post! I can totally relate to having such a strong love for fast food and feeling so good as you're eating but immediately hating yourself once the food is gone. I really look up to you and I'm so inspired by what you're doing. Thanks again =)

Jessica B said...

Pretty sure I could have written that word for word... I'm working on it though, halfway there at this point, and I feel good. Just wrapped up a 21 day cleanse, and hoping to kind of blend it into real life. Thanks for the inspiring posts. You're awesome :)

Jodi Tivey said...

WOW! Awesome post Mama! So proud of you for your honesty and so proud of what you have overcome. Thanks for sharing your story!! Much love to you girlie...you need to give yourself a huge pat on the back!! {If I had a leer jet I would jump on it and come pat you on your back myself!!} Jodi T bowglass@gmail.com

Bobbi Jo Nichols said...

Great post. I was bulimic for 15 years and anorexic for 2 years. I about ruined my metabolism. Now at 48 I like you am realizing that eating cleaner & exercising is the only TRUE way to go. Thank you for your wonderful blog and all you share with us. Hugs, Bobbi Jo

Mindy Kincaid said...

Wow Girl, obliviously I don't "know" you but I feel like thru your blogs we're all in this big sisterhood. This post was really raw and honest, something you might only tell your best friend or sister..but I'm sooo happy you decided to share this with your readers because it is sooo relateable. I'm sure anyone who has ever struggled with weight and body image has had those same damn thoughts! You're a beautiful woman (even when you were heavy, just gorgeous!) Mama Laughlin and have seriously inspired me to get my head in the game and even get my mile under 10 mins!! Thanks for all the motivation! xo

Ashley said...

you're an inspiration to all. there is no shortcut to a healthy body. I'd rather be HEALTHY than skin anyway!

Candis said...

Thank you for posting this! It literally made me cry... I used to wish I was anorexic also. I am still struggling to lose weight and don't always have the healthiest relationship with food... But, I'm no longer looking for the quick fix. I know losing weight is going to take time and effort and there will be ups and downs, but I will get there. Blogs like yours motivate me on days I feel like giving up and writing my own helps me stay accountable! Thanks again for always keeping it real!

Lena said...

Ditto ditto and ditto. And ditto on the Taco Bell. I literally drool thinking about a burrito from there.

I have just had my ah-ha moment and have started to get back on track. Your blog, and others like it, are really really helping me.

Thank you for being honest.

My blog: www.healthurrr.blogspot.com

Thanks for all the links to yours everyone, I need all the e-support I can get!

Lauren said...

Thank you for sharing this. I was anorexic for three years in my late teens, and then became a binge eater and packed on the pounds. It has taken me a while to find a healthy balance but now I am at my goal weight and doing things the healthy way.

amanda lampman said...

mama, thanks for this... I've always been overweight, and still am... i didn't want to be this weight for my wedding date (in 2 months) and i hurt my knee and had acl reconstruction, but now i feel stuck... eating is my downfall, but not eating is worse and i dont know how to fix it, i'm not hungry most times and so today for example i had 2 cups of coffee and didnt eat a sandwich until 430 pm... i just dont know how to change... but i want to so desperatly... i love reading everything, it helps, and i've started eating healthier, but i just dont know how to do this... but even though you dont know me, i look forward to your posts and feel like if i lived in texas we'd be besties... im just lost....

The girls said...

Everything you just typed is me, right now. I am so frustrated.

Alisyn Sweet said...

I have tried everything from starving myself, to laxatives, binge eating, attempting to make myself throw up. I couldn't do that, either. My low low point was last summer, I was at the beach with my girls and had been using laxitives for a few weeks and was very weak...still hadn't lost weight though. I passed out in the disgusting beach bathroom, scared the crap out of my 9 year old and the hot dog man found me laying on the floor. I knew I needed serious help. I struggle with my weight every minute of every day. You are an inspiration. Keep up the good work. I'm very happy I have come across your blog.

Lore S said...

Bawling while I read this. I always thought it was just me. I'm glad that I'm not alone. Well, not glad. I wish none of us had to go through this. I'm trying so hard to fix my issues but damn its hard, but you know that!

Xoxo
Lore

Mandi Wolfswinkel said...

Thanks for sharing this. I've always said the only eating disorder I could ever have is the one where you take laxatives. I hate throwing up and I'm addicted to food. I think the mental part of this whole losing weight thing is a bitch. I feel like my mind is subconsciously tricking my body into making it feel like I will be a failure at losing weight. I exercise fairly well, but the eating part is a bitch. How do you learn self control? That's where I'm at. I feel like a douche bag saying I am addicted to food, but tis the truth. Thanks for inspiring. You rock.

Robyn Chaffin said...

I look forward to your posts everyday. I appreciate the fact that you put yourself out there as a real person, with real struggles and real triumphs. Thank you for your pure and true inspiration.

Mama Aja said...

i needed this....thank you :)

Christina M said...

Girl, this was totally me also...I used to look up pro-ana sites too, thinking it would give me motivation. Glad to see I wasn't the only moron doing that...LOL So far I've lost about 25 pounds..I've got 20 more to go before I hit my goal. Thanks for your honesty!! It helps keep me focused - it's so easy to get down on yourself, especially cause I've been dealing with a weight loss plateau for about 3 months now....

Charity said...

Mama L, your posts and wise words continue to inspire as always. Not only do I look forward to your witty and fun posts but the ones that really hit home. This one did for me. I've done the diet pills that make you feel like garbage and not eating and the binging and hiding wrappers. I still find myself doing these things from time to time. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and that it can be done the right way. I seriously hope that you never get tired of hearing how amazing you are because with posts like these it never going to happen! Mama L, a simple thank you would never do. But thank you none the less.

Samantha Crocker said...

This was really scary because it literally described me to a T. My family and everything! I am so thankful to have found your blog, thank you for being so honest and motivating.

HANNHUNG said...

Yep, been there. Intuitive eating has saved my life and sanity! xo

StephC said...

Thank you for sharing, if I hadn't known better I would have thought you were telling my story. Thank you for your honesty and for being such an inspiration and role model to let others of us struggling with the same issues have hope and inspiration that we can overcome them.

Katie said...

Thank you...I have felt like this for years! I honestly in my own selfish world didn't think anyone else felt like this. I am now at 189 with no kids and feel terrible about myself. I from your website have gained inspiration to do C25K and eat healthier. I plan on doing a cleanse in April. Thank you so much for doing this post.

Susan said...

You know what I love about you and your blog it that you are real and honest about you life and how you have struggles to lose the weight. No fitness guru or weight lose expert would be as honest as you are. I appreciate that! I share you blog with my friends to help motivate us to keep plugging away at the exercise and eating well. Thanks for sharin your life experiences and being honest about it. Have a great day!

Lexi M. said...

You are seriously awesome and amazing and such an inspiration. I have dealt with my weight my entire life and while I tend to feel good during the act of eating junk, I always feel horrible right after. It's really a vicious cycle. I am currently pregnant and unfortunately have been using it as an excuse to eat rather than trying to provide my unborn with healthy nutritious foods. I am ready to get on track and eat better not only for her, but for myself too. Thank you for being you and your blog! xoxo!

Jeriel said...

You look so good! You only inspire me to work hard and I hope I can tighten my areas (stomach from baby) and try to eat healthy.Thanks for sharing:)

Jillian Blackburn said...

Thank you so much for posting this! Sometimes it's hard to read your blog and see how driven you are to get to the gym and look great, all the while thinking in my head that I could never do that. I've struggled with thoughts of how much easier an eating disorder would be, and it's so nice to know I'm not the only one.

Mom Taxi Julie said...

I used to wish I could have the willpower to be aneroxic too. Crazy.

Catie @ Catie's Corner said...

Awesome post! Good for you girl!! =)

Jessica said...

Thank you for posting this... It makes me feel like I'm not alone in this journey... What did you do first to start eating healthy? That is where I struggle. Food. I have no idea what to eat, how much or anything. I can put up such a cute front & Act happy but deep down I'm killing myself slowly trying to figure out the right way to change my habits & thinking. Any help with this would be awesome. Thank you for being such an inspiration!!!!

Amy Carta said...

You are so inspiring. I started the C25K on Monday and have been logging my meals on LoseIt! I've even started a blog to record my struggles. Thank you for your posts they've helped me take that step to a better me.

Carly Ann said...

That is SO me! Usually twice a week or so I will sneak to Mc Donalds for lunch, eat in my car and stuff the bags away in my car until I can get away with tossing them without people noticing!

A Little Bit Sassy said...

You and I have a lot in common, I researched all those sites before I began my real journey. It's crazy to think I wanted that, but I just wanted to be thin and fast. I even tried to survive on coffee alone...that lasted 2 days. Thankfully I snapped out of it and did it the right way!

Kelli @ The Turquoise Piano said...

I'm so glad you did it the right way. I used to be borderline bulimic and anorexic until I learned how to do it right. Then I became a nutrition and exercise consultant. Thanks for helping so many people.

Ashley said...

This is such a great post! Very inspiring. You look fantastic!!

Ashley

Katie said...

Thank you for posting this, this is me in a nutshell. You are such an inspiration and inspire me to not give up on my journey, thank you for being you!!

Jaymie Doole said...

Thank you.

Brandilynn Teaney said...

Man oh Man are you preaching to the choir sister!! I can even remember being in highschool trying to figure out how to become bulimic :( I was such a failure also because I grew up very poor and in and out of foster care blah blah and sometimes didn't know when I'd eat again and so throwing up food to me was such a waste!! Even now, being a 25 y.o. single mother, going to school full time, working part time and new to homeschooling my daughter, if I get fast food, hardly ever cause it's gross and I like to cook, or get a big plate or anything I feel GUILTY throwing that food away because I've wasted money if I don't eat it!! I'm just now BEGINNING to be ok with myself if I don't eat everything on my plate. Gah do you know how hard that is?! I'm sure you do but Lordy, I love food!!!! doens't even matter what kind but I'll tell you that if potatoes were a religion I'd be their freaking high priestess!! Take that Idaho!!
I know you are very busy but here's my blog that I've started much because of you, to begin to lose weight the healthy way and just to blog about my days. Congrats to all your success!!!
http://lifebeyondfood.tumblr.com

Finding a skinnier me said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal story. I have struggled with the same negative relationship with food since I was a child. I call it emotional eating. It is great to hear a story about how someone else has overcome it all. Gives me hope!

Strand Family said...

I think you'll find lots of women who think like this. There's an odd (and messed up) admiration for women who can be so obsessed and out-of-control that they can be anorexic. Actually many times it seems like they have great control. I remember when my friend and I were dieting together in high school and college. I was horribly jealous by her dedication...even when she was 79 pounds and landed in the hospital.

jennifer gray said...

This made me cry! I thought I was a freak. Thank you so much for this. All of you.

kourtsbrooke said...

This is going to sound super creepy I'm afraid but sometimes (well most of the time) when I read your posts it is like you are writing about me. This is right up there with one of those posts that you put out there for us that shows me...I was eff'ed up in the head too...but so was someone else, which in a weird way, makes me feel better.