I have told you all how and why I got fat, but I've never really discussed with you all my serious issues I had with food.
Yes, you know I'm a former Taco Bell addict.
You know I hid fast food wrappers from The Hubs (then boyfriend) and you know I fed my body crap food.
But that's all you know.
Today I'm going to dig a little deeper and tell you all the SERIOUS issues I had with food.
And it's not until hindsight that I can see that these things could have spiraled into something I'm lucky they never did....
an eating disorder.
Now, when I think "eating disorder" I immediately think of stick thin women with bones poking out.
Would you be shocked to hear me say that I actually used to RESEARCH "How to become Anorexic?"
I am embarrassed and ashamed to say that, but it's true.
Here is what would happen during the years I gained all my weight.
I worked 5 minutes from a ton of fast food places.
I was single (ish) with no kids and lived alone (ish).
I had Taco Bell for lunch 3-4 days a week.
2,000 calories in one sitting.
A baja chicken chalupa, a 7 layer burrito, and a nacho supreme, with a large Pepsi.
Then, after I scarfed that food down I'd nap in my car for the rest of my lunch break.
I would find a trash can and throw away the "evidence" or food wrappers.
I would eat this food and be SO HAPPY during the act of actually EATING it, and then THE SECOND I was finished with the last bite I felt something totally different.
I felt ashamed.
Hence the nap.
I'd come home from work, decide what fast food I was going to eat and eat that...
thus began the vicious cycle all over again.
Eat the food.
Feel AMAZING when shoveling it in my face.
Then immediately feel ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted and tired.
Often times I'd cry after eating these meals.
A few times I even tried to make myself throw up.
I never could do it. I'd stand, hovering over the toilet, tears dripping into the water and I couldn't even make myself throw up.
I felt like a failure.
A failure for first EATING that crap, feeding my body copious amounts of shit, then a failure for not even being able to make myself throw up.
I was so disappointed in what I was doing to myself, and disgusted with what I'd just done, but I could not physically stop myself from eating.
Then I'd make promises to myself that "tomorrow will be better" or "I'll start my diet on Monday."
I'd then starve myself until lunch the next day.
I very rarely ate breakfast.
I researched how to be anorexic. I looked up Pro-Ana sites, those are websites that are PRO Anorexia. I didn't even know those kind of websites existed. It's sickening, really.
It disgusts me to think I even WANTED to be like that.
Something millions of women STRUGGLED to overcome, I wanted.
Because I wanted so badly to be thin.
If that doesn't tell you how incredibly effed up I was in the head, I don't know what does.
Here I was, overweight and BINGE EATING, and all I wanted was to be skinny.
The FASTEST way possible.
In my head, I thought "well if I don't eat, then I'll DEFINITELY lose weight."
Thinking like that will only get you what you DON'T want... more depressed and possibly an eating disorder.
There are much better ways to go about losing weight... I just had NO IDEA what they were.
I'd never had to lose weight before.
I was always and forever 130 lbs. and able to eat whatever crap I wanted.
I played a lot of sports and was very active, that's why.
I was never taught how to eat healthy.
We grew up in the country where everything was smothered in gravy and deep fried.
My mom cooked like Pre-Diabetic Paula Deen.
And my brother, sister and I were all thin.
Like REALLY thin. We were all very active.
My parents were definitely heavier during this time, but they have since lost over 120 lbs. together by eating right and moving their bodies.
Of course this was years after all their kiddos were gone from home.
Healthy eating was never a part of my life growing up.
I literally did NOT know how to eat healthy.
So I'd ALWAYS had a terrible relationship with food.
But it wasn't until my early 20's that those issues surfaced because the weight was creeping on.
I don't know what it was that made me want to lose weight the right way, it was just a rock bottom that I hit.
I knew that binge eating, and then starving myself was NOT going to work.
I'd been there and done that, and all that had gotten me over the years was an effed up head and bigger jean size.
I guess I just knew that anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT, so I decided "this is it, I've gotta do this the RIGHT way."
And it wasn't until THEN that it clicked for me.
That I saw "oh, okay, I CAN still eat and lose weight. Yes, it will come off a little slower, but I'm replacing that unhealthy relationship I had with food for a healthy one."
And THAT is when the magic happens y'all.
Get your head right.
Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT.
(These are my deepest struggles, y'all. I post them to help women know that it IS possible to lose weight the RIGHT way. That you can still struggle and come back from something like this. Do NOT post negative comments ((they won't be posted anyway)) on my own personal journey that I HAVE SINCE OVERCOME.
I am NOT promoting anorexia or eating disorders in any WAY, SHAPE, or FORM. I am simply telling you MY struggles. I believe the ONLY way to lose weight is through proper diet and exercise, and that is exactly what I've done. Thank you.)