3.21.2013

Lori's Story

Grab your tissues ladies, I have an AMAZING story for you today by such an inspiring, strong, brave woman.
I first "met" Lori from her commenting on my blog, Instagram, etc. I clicked over to her page and saw her rockin' body in a bikini and thought "HOLY SMOKES SHE LOOKS AWESOME!"
And then, upon more browsing, I noticed she'd come a long way! She was a former big girl herself and she was in her 40's and looked freakin' FANTASTIC!
I remember showing her picture to The Hubs and saying "I hope I look that good when I'm 40!"
To which his response was "ME TOO!" (stink eye)

Then Tuesday, when I posted about my disordered eating, Lori sent me an email and told me her little secret.
I asked her to share that secret with y'all.
And she so bravely agreed to do so. 

This is Lori's story.
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Not a whole lot of people know about my dirty little secret. The secret that took over my life for about 10 years. I struggled with bulimia. It is something that I am so not proud of, but I want people to see the good, the bad and the ugly. I am not exactly sure why I got on this path to destruction. My first memories of it are when I was a live-in nanny in Long Island. I was a thousand miles away from my family and unhappy. My weight loss has stalled and I was desperate. What I didn’t realize is that my weight loss stalled because I wasn’t eating healthy OR working out anymore. I stopped all of that. I thought I was ok. Well apparently not. I can remember when the kids went to school, I would start to binge. OMG I couldn’t stuff my mouth full of food fast enough! The worst and most addicting part, is the high I got from it. I was in control for once! I don’t think I ever felt like I was in control before. I knew I couldn’t eat the foods I wanted and lose weight, so I thought, “hey, I will eat whatever the hell I want and just throw it up”. So begins my downward spiral…

Not a single person knew about it. I would make sure that I would eat when no one was around. AND…when I threw up, I managed to do it when either no one was around or when I had a bath running. This was so no one could hear me. I was in a relationship at the time and to this day, I am not sure he ever knew. When I would take the train into NYC to stay with him, I would once again, throw up with either the faucet running or the bath. He most likely thought I was pooping and didn’t want him to hear it. When I would go home for visits, I would do the same thing. I was throwing up so much, I had a nasty, hard callus, on my middle knuckle. I was so far gone, that I was now researching how to be the “best” bulimic. I realized that the last thing in, is usually the last thing out. I also learned that water didn’t help bring up the food, milk or soda did. I also figured out the exact amount of time I needed to wait after eating, to throw up the most. It was bad, REAL bad. I never threw up in public. If I was eating out, I would make sure NOT to binge. I would pick a sensible meal. I was so out of control that all I EVER thought about from the moment I woke up, to the time I went to bed, was food. It was taking over my life. I was turning into the most miserable person. I am not kidding, I was a TOTAL bitch!

This was now starting to affect my job. So much so that I got called into my bosses office. They were getting complaints from clients, that I was being rude and short with them. I am sure I was, I was miserable. I forgot to say, at this point, I was now living with my boyfriend in NYC and working for a placement agency. We placed nannies and other household staff with the elite of NY. So getting a complaint from some rich NY bitch, was NOT what I needed. I remember sitting in the office and just breaking down. It also didn’t help that I stood out like a sore thumb in NYC. Not many people were tall and “curvy” like me. Or blonde for that matter. So I felt VERY out of place. I am a corn fed Midwestern girl, after all. All the women in NYC were so tiny! SO…. I let it all out there, to my bosses. They were very supportive and offered to pay for me to go see a therapist. I agreed, so I could at least keep my job. You know as I type this, I don’t think I have ever shared that with anyone! Just not something you brag about I guess. When I went to the therapist, the first thing she wanted to do was blame my family. Yep, I was out of there! I just was NOT ready to go there, with some stranger. My parents have always been SO supportive of me, so in no way, did I want to hear her blame them, for me fucking up and losing control. SO…I decided it was time to perfect my bulimia and put on a good “show”.

I did just that! I started to get some control over my life and back off on the throwing up. Well until one day…. I went to into my bosses office to tell him to have a great weekend and he told me I looked great, like I had gained some weight. Umm…what!?!?! How can you use “gained weight” and “look great”, in the same sentence. This just drove me off the deep end. It was time to get control of myself. Unfortunately just not in the healthy way. At this point, I was 100% out of control. The only meal I ate and kept in, was lunch. Dinners were mostly spent alone, my bf worked nights as a trader, so I rarely saw him. So once again, the only control I had over my life, was what I put in my mouth and what I MADE, come out of it. My hair was so disgusting and almost translucent. My nails were brittle and cracking and my teeth were really starting to hurt. But the worst part of all, at least to me, was that I was NOT losing weight. I know now, that it was because my body had officially shut down. It was feeding off of my muscles. To top all of that off, I was hospitalized for a week, due to severe stomach issues. To this day, I am not sure why. Most likely, it was due to all the horrible things I was doing to my body. There was NO WAY I was telling the doctors I was bulimic. They would force me to stop. I was not ready for that! This was my secret, and no one was going to take that control away from me! My relationship at this point, was over. We were simply roommates. We had not slept together in over 2 years. I was done and so was he. But…we just kept on “functioning” as a couple.

I think the day that I FINALLY got somewhat of a wakeup call was the day I went to the dentist. I had a dentist that lived in my building and we had become good friends. He was in a relationship that was over and so was I. So we had a lot in common. Neither one of us knew how to really leave. I told him that I had not been to the dentist in years, so he set me up an appt. Oh Dear God, what had I gotten myself into. After my cleaning with the hygienist, I met with Glenn. He looked at me with sad eyes, and told me I had 12 cavities. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started to sob. I had officially hit rock bottom. I mean my God, what had I done to myself. I had come so far only to take a gazillion steps backwards. How did I get here. I mean I had lost over 80 pounds eating right and exercising. Why had I chose this horrible path for myself???? As I look back, I know why. It was my own sick revenge on all those that had hurt me. A big ole F you, to every single person that had ever made fun of me. I could never control how horribly sad they made me, so I was going to show them, by getting skinny! I wanted so desperately to hear, “damn girl, you need to gain some weight, you are too skinny”. Yeah, that never happened. I had to stop worrying about what the world thought about me. I had to start loving Lori, the real Lori. I was on a path that would most likely end up killing me. I won’t lie, at times I wished it would. I was just so far gone, at least I thought I was. I was letting a stupid fucking # on the scale, control how I was living. Or better put, how I was slowly dying..

I took a major step and joined an online support group. When I started to read some of the stories, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was not alone. I realized that the best revenge is getting my life in control and being healthy. I took the word skinny out of my vocabulary. It was time to get HEALTHY and fit! I officially ended my relationship and moved back home to IL. It was time to put me first and only me. Time to get back to my healthy ways and put my dirty secret in the closet, locked tight. I was embarrassed of what I had done to myself. I thought if I told people, they would be ashamed of me. Again, I was putting others feeling about me, first. Why couldn’t I stop doing this. Well I know why, after being told how fat and ugly you are for so many years, you believe that is all you DESERVE to hear. I don’t think people realize just how much damage is done when they make fun of someone, for their weight…it leaves some nasty scars, that is for sure! But people aren’t going to change. SO I had to. It was time to get back to living.

I reconnected with Ray and a few years later we were married and starting a family. I was back to eating healthy again, and allowing myself everything in moderation. I won’t lie, it was SO hard to let go of the purging. Letting go of the binging was much easier. I remember eating a very healthy meal and just sitting there, dying to go purge it. I was like an alcoholic going cold turkey. I WANTED TO THROW UP SO BAD!! I wanted to be in control. I was addicted to purging. So every day I took baby steps. I had many relapses. Even when I was pregnant. I had morning sickness with each baby and I won’t lie, I wasn’t exactly sad about this. BUT…as soon as it passed, I kept up my healthy ways and did not slip. I was on the right path, for once. Well until about 2.5 year ago. I slipped again. I hit a bad patch, a real bad patch. I had gained some weight, most likely due to a hormonal imbalance. This effected my marriage, horribly. So much so that Ray and I almost got divorced. All I cared about was how I looked. I was obsessed with losing weight, once again. I was being a total bitch ALL the time and this drove Ray away. He was so distant. Instead of realizing that he was this way with me, because I was a bitch, I thought it was because he wasn’t attracted to me. WRONG! He did LOVE me, for me. What he didn’t love was how unhappy I was and how unhappy I was making our family. Well one night, we hit rock bottom. We got into a nasty fight and I decided I was done. And then I woke up. I woke up to a letter from my 5 year old son asking us to please stop fighting and make our family happy again. As I type this, I am a crying. How could I do this. How could I let what I weighed break up my family. That was it. I swore that very moment that I would NEVER EVER lose control again. Ray and I had a long talk and vowed to make things work. We promised to only look forward and never back. From that very moment, I got my shit together. I was back to working out which was better than any antidepressant. I was cooking all the time and making yummy, healthy food. Most importantly, I was truly happy. I had everything I needed, 2 beautiful babies and a man that loved me even when I wasn’t so loveable.

My advice to anyone that is starting a weight loss journey is this, don’t ever let your weight define you or your happiness. No matter what size you are now, or will be, LIVE YOUR LIFE. Live every day like it is your last. Try and enjoy the journey. Don’t ever look back and go, “man why didn’t I do this or that”. Just do it! Don’t avoid a workout because you think you aren’t skinny enough to do it. JUST DO IT! Who gives a rats ass what you look like doing it. DOING IT, will get you healthy AND happy! AND….don’t ever let some number on a stupid scale, define you. Take baby steps. The key to successful weight loss is lifestyle change. You have to be ready to commit to it for the rest of your life. Don’t do it because you want to fit in some dress or look good at your reunion. Do it because you want to be the best “you”, you can be. I eat and eat a lot. I never feel deprived and the moment I started doing this, is the moment my life started over. It is when the pounds came off and the muscles started to show. It’s the very moment I felt free of those demons that had haunted me all those years. I am now healthy and fit inside and out and I will never ever go back. I have 2 beautiful babies that I have to be a good role model for. And I want to grow old with the man of my dreams, the man that never ever, gave up on me.
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Isn't she amazing!?!?!
Thank you SO MUCH for your bravery and sharing your story, Lori.
You look so great and I know by sharing your struggles you are going to be helping hundreds of women out there! 
You can find Lori on Instagram (@fattofit41) or at her blog {HERE}.
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Now, I'm off to kick it with Holly & Megan at Blissdom!!
Holla if ya see me!

33 comments:

Sparklin One said...

Love her! What a brave thing to share! Her story is so inspirational and motivating. Heck with those bikini pics who wouldn't be motivated? Smoking!!

Blissdom is going to be so much fun for you all! Think of me on Sunday....my first half marathon! Yikes!!!

Alicia said...

Lori truly such an inspiration. Anytime I get off the healthy eating track I see something motivating she has posted on IG or MFP. The things she has gone through and still seems to be a happy amazing person. Thanks for sharing Lori..

Shelli said...

I Love Lori! And hot damn I would love to look like her in my 40s... or even now! Thanks for sharing!

Britney Mills said...

Wow! Thanks so much for that story! While I've never had problems with bulimia, I have known some people that have and so this gives a better perspective on what they go through.

Analisa said...

And I'm crying! Absolutely love Lori!!

Elizabeth said...

I needed this more than you can even imagine. Thank you.

Lora said...

What an amazing story!!!! I follow Lori on IG and I knew her body was rockin' but no clue about all this! Thanks so much for sharing.

shortcake said...

Wow, thanks for sharing! I got goosebumps reading your story. Congratulations on overcoming so many demons and getting to a happy place. It has recently clicked for me that I don't care about the number on the scale but on my health and how I feel. I want to be the best Mom and Wife that I can be and that my family deserves and that's not going to come from the amount I weigh. It's going to come by becoming healthy; mind, body, and spirit.

Thanks Mama Laughlin and Lori for motivating and inspiring me on this journey of mine!

♥ Marcy ♥ said...

Oh Lori... I have always loved you but my goodness your bravery has wanted to make me share my own story! It has to feel good to get that all of your chest and I am so increadibly proud of you! I cannot quit crying as I read this! I feel your pain like it's my own because I have been there and I have done that! Hugs woman you know their is a very special place in my heart for you!

mommytothree said...

Thanks so much for sharing!!! You are brave and an inspiration. I'm proud of you!! I don't think anyone realizes that sometimes their comments hurt even if is meant to be a compliment. I'm glad you were able to find the happy place and take control. You are a beautiful woman!

Jess Volpe said...

Thank you for sharing Lori! Your story definitely made me tear up. You look AMAZING! I'm glad you were able to get it in control and make your family whole again.

I'm struggling with the being a bitch all the time because I'm obsessed with losing weight. I need to let it go a bit. Thank you for helping me see that!

Kelli @ The Turquoise Piano said...

Love ya, Lori! And I completely understand what you went through. You are amazing!

mrsschoondog said...

Thank you for sharing your story Lori. It's amazing what we can overcome once we hit rock bottom. Keep on being a role model for your kids and those around you!

Laura B @ Walking in Memphis in High Heels said...

Thank you Lori for sharing! You know I love you!
walkinginmemphisinhighheels.com

The Traveling Wife and Mommy said...

What an amazing story!!! Lori you are such an insration!!!

Sonya said...

Such an inspiring story. Thank you so much for sharing.

Megan said...

What an amazing story. I can relate to so much of it! Thanks for sharing Brandi and Lori! You're both an ispiration. :)
5280runningmommy.blogspot.com

Sana@cc&t said...

Thank you for sharing this story Lori! You should be proud of yourself and how far you've come..

thanks for this mama laughlin!!

Tabaitha said...

What an amazing story! Thanks for sharing and Lori, you are smokin!

Halie Renee said...

Wow. What an amazing and emotional story. And she is so incredibly brave for sharing it with all of us! I am in awe of this.

Joanne said...

I don't what to say other than OMG! Lori ..... you are brave and thank you so much for sharing.
I wish I could give you a BIG Ol HUG...from one Midwest gal to another.

Sarah Wisecarver said...

SHE LOOKS HAAAWWWTT! haha
Isn't it amazing how one can overcome obstacles they once thought was impossible. I was bad a binge eating for the last year. I would order that extra cheeseburger or burrito and scarf it down before someone saw me or before I got back to the office with everyone else's lunches. I'm glad women can come together and share and overcome!
So glad you both shared yall's stories!
I needed to read this post.
I needed to read Tuesday's post as well!
:)

Brittney Cole said...

Wow is all I can say! What courage to put this out there for the world. And what an emotional story! I hope she is able to touch other lives with her story. Thanks for the great post!

Yolanda Arroyo said...

Wow Lori, you are one hot momma! You are a very brave woman, Thanks for sharing your story. I am so glad I found this blog, great place for good motivation. Thanks :o)

Christina M said...

Wow- those results are amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully I'm hot like Lori when I hit 40 (I'm 37 now). I better start upping my workouts!! LOL :)

REBrown said...

Wow that is some powerful stuff!

Jaclyn N Lil M said...

WOW! Lori's story is absolutely amazing! It is so hard to be able to type out your story like that!! Huge hugs and lots of support for her future!!

PS she is smoking hot!!!!

Ashley said...

you're right, tears flowing!

Stevie said...

Lori, thank you for sharing your story! You are definitely not alone in your journey, nor will you ever be!

A Little Bit Sassy said...

Wow,amazing! Lori you look great!

Kat said...

how brave to share her story!

Kaara A said...

Wow what an amazing story ;) it's so inspiring to me.

Zoya said...

Nice Post, Like it....


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